Finding Peace

Originally written February, 2019 but forgot to post.

It's been a while. I have been through a lot. These last few years have been the most trying for sure, but they've been the most building and strengthening. Like a refiner's fire, or the potter's clay, I have been molded and burned over and over so much that at one point, I gave up. I saw a post today from Brene Brown, one of my favorite authors:

"The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or acceptable, but our wholeness-even our wholeheartedness-actually depends on our integration of all our experiences including the falls."-Brene Brown

After doing In Vitro and having my miracle boy, Charlie almost 6 years ago, I went through years of trying for one more. A miscarriage, and many ups and downs. Counseling, Self-Reflection, Blessings, Prayers, times of being happy and content, and times where I couldn't think of anything else but wanting what I couldn't have and yet everyone I know somehow gets exactly that thing, even when they don't want it at all.

In the last 4 1/2 years I have become a very different person than I was prior to having Charlie. I have found peace and joy, and at one point after every possible attempt, and every possible failure, I felt completely broken and I gave up. I had to. I had no choice. I was humbled more than I ever thought I could be and I had no choice but to turn it over to God because there is one thing I absolutely will not do, and that is 'be unhappy'. I refuse. I don't care what it takes, I refuse to be miserable. I allowed myself to grieve, I allowed myself to feel. There were many days of unhappiness. But I'm talking about long-term. I just won't allow that darkness in my life because I love the light.

So after multiple failed IVF attempts and every supplement, crazy diet change, prescription drug, hundreds of shots, and every fertility procedure that is known to man... I decided to find peace in my life and move on. I have three children (two naturally conceived, one IVF) and I know I am a blessed and although I didn't feel like our family was "complete" I knew I had done everything that I could possibly do, both physically and spiritually, and that's all that God expects. Our best. And honestly, there was nothing left to try. So I closed that chapter in my life.

I started making a list of all of the things I'm grateful for, all the blessings in my life, all the opportunities that I've had through this journey, all of the opportunities that I will have, not having another baby, and the great things I could accomplish with this future. My children are all in school now, I have an incredible career, I can focus on creating memories with my family, and reaching goals I never thought would be possible for me. Discovering that my potential and happiness as a strong, capable, and confident woman does not directly relate to the size of my family or the fruitfulness of my loins.

There have been many years in my journey that I have stopped trying, that I have been content with what I had, and I was open to whatever God wanted, so when people told me to "stop trying" all I felt was "you don't understand". There are so many things people say to try to empathize or understand but nobody really knows what you're going through. Every situation is different, and depending on where you're at in the journey, or the time of the month, comments like that can be so painful.

I had to set boundaries and know my limits. For example, I found that I cannot go to baby showers. I was asked in the midst of my struggle, to throw a baby shower for a friend of mine. I ended up in the bathroom with my first panic attack that day, and I realized that I was not in an emotional state to plan a party for someone else's success while I was struggling with my own grief. Even after we successfully had Charlie on year 8 of our 14 years of infertility, I tried one more time at a baby shower for a friend that had twins and I once again, found myself having to leave early. It just set off an emotional response. And so I decided that for me, baby showers were off-limits. And that's okay.

Each day is different, each month and year is different, and you just have to do what's best for yourself, not what everyone else expects you to do. I had close family members telling me to give up, my desire for more was asking too much of God. I had other close family members telling me to never give up, to keep trying every month, and do every single thing I could, but at that time, I was exhausted with trying. I think it's important to remember that pretty much everyone is trying to help, trying to understand, and trying to figure out what to say to fix the problem or fix your feelings. But that's not something that someone else can do for you. You have to find your own joy, your own peace. For me, I found that through my Savior. By putting my faith in him, not in the result that I was looking for. To understand that unanswered prayers are not answered for a reason, one that I cannot understand, but someday I will. And until that day comes, I will find joy in other ways, and in other things, and in finding gratitude and having faith in Christ. There's always someone that has it worse, but there's always someone that has it better... We all experience things differently, and each of our journeys cannot be compared to each other. And finding excuses to be happy rather than excuses to not be. That's how I endured and conquered.

The Story of Arianna

It all started back in college when I read a great novel series that had the main character whose name was Arianna. I loved that name when I read those books and decided I'd keep that in my pocket for a future daughter.

Around 2007. Brad and I were introduced to the book/movie titled "The Secret" it talks about the power and Law of Attraction and how powerful your mind and thoughts truly are. At that time we had our two daughters, Victoria and Abigail, they were still not quite school-aged, and I was anxious to grow our family more. I had a dream about our future son, his name was to be Charlie according to him in my dream, and so I put it out there that I wanted two more children. Charlie, and Arianna. I was hoping for twins, that's what I put on my dream board, but I wasn't going to be picky. I just wanted one boy and one more girl. So we started praying for Charlie and Arianna frequently and we really wanted to make those dreams come true.

In 2013 we still were struggling with infertility and were finally able to afford In Vitro to try to get pregnant. It was a hard long windy road, but Charlie was conceived and we were thrilled and oh so grateful. He was our miracle baby and everything we dreamed of. I was okay with just him if that's what God had in store for us, but I just kept feeling like we had at least one more.

In November, 2014 I wrote this in my journal:

"What if it's not about when we will have babies, when we will partake of our blessing that we want... what if it's purely about when these children are supposed to come to Earth.  What their mission on Earth is, what they will accomplish completely based on God's timing. Our wanting a blessing when we want the blessing cannot change God's ultimate plan of bringing more souls unto this Earth with each of their own purposes in life. Our purpose is not to have more children, our purpose is truly to accept God's will and his plan not only for us but especially for our children. 

What if there is a war that has a draft in 2024. If I had Charlie in 2006 when I wanted him, he'd be 18 then. Versus being only 10 at that time. Who knows. I don't know God's plan for him but who am I to demand he come at a time that is not set forth for him? 

Infertility is a trial that is designed to teach us to accept God's will and his timing but somehow it is a lesson that is so difficult and emotional. I think because for a woman we feel like it affects our purpose in life. It's a righteous desire and so for us to not be able to fulfill that purpose it goes against our righteous desires and we have this internal struggle of wanting to fulfill our grand purpose and role yet struggling to accept God's plan and timing."

Around 2016 I had a miscarriage, around 6 weeks. I didn't get a positive pregnancy test, but I knew I was pregnant, and I knew that it was Arianna. I could feel her presence and she spoke to me frequently in my thoughts. Sounds crazy, I know, but I knew that it was her. I was devastated to lose her and it made it worse that I didn't even get a positive test because my doubts would creep in and sometimes I would wonder if I was ever pregnant with her in the first place, but I couldn't deny how I felt for those 2 weeks that she was constantly there with me in Spirit.

I bought a necklace with a little baby ring on it with a pink gemstone. (See picture) I've worn that around my neck every day since, to honor Arianna and remind me that someday, I'll be able to raise her. Whether in this life or the next, she was close to my heart.

I've had a few dreams about Arianna. She had long dark hair, and incredible beauty. She looked so heavenly and angelic and I just knew that she was my daughter. She had such a beauty about her that in order to cope with my loss, I decided to search hard to find another little girl that looked similar to her, so that I could have a picture to remind me of her. I also chose a song for us. "Thousand Years" it's a love song, but for me, it was significant because I've loved her for a thousand years (eternity) and will continue to love her for a thousand more until someday we would be together.

Fast forward to 2018. We had new health insurance and decided that it was our last chance to try something, anything, to bring one more baby into our family because we still felt incomplete. We went through three rounds of IUIs, and it wasn't working. I had all but given up. I was tired of failing and not having control. July 10th, 2018, my mother in law were sitting at the dinner table and she told me that she felt like we needed to keep trying for another baby. She knew how much it meant to me and said that it broke her heart to see me wanting this so bad and she knew how hard it was on me to keep trying and failing, but strongly encouraged us to do so.

I had told her, almost in jest, that if she had a near-death experience during her heart surgery she had scheduled the next morning, to find out if Arianna is there in heaven and if she was going to come and then to report back to me. The next morning she went into surgery for a small repair on her heart, and she unexpectedly passed away.

It rocked my world. Changed my life. I'll never be the same. Death is different now, and so is life. After her last wish that night before, and with her passing, I had a new determination to try again to get pregnant, hoping that she would help us on the other side. We attempted two rounds of In Vitro from July through September, and they both failed miserably. It was really clear that my body was just too old and there was zero chance of In Vitro working, let alone anything else. I was devastated. I had finally felt a glimmer of hope, knowing that Donnamay and God were both on my side for this all to work. We spent so much money on all the treatments and emotionally invested in the process. I put all doubts and fears aside and had total faith that it would work. And it didn't.

My testimony of God didn't waiver, but my hope and my trust in my own feelings and how I heard the Holy Ghost, that was crushed. Because I had felt so strongly that it was going to work, why wouldn't it? She told me to try harder, and I did the most I possibly could have done, and it didn't work. I was broken. I was not okay.

After a few weeks of mourning and feeling as low as I'd ever been, I decided my pity party needed to be over and I needed to change my direction, perspective, and find joy. I went to a few counseling sessions to talk out my feelings and although I felt like I taught the counselor more than she taught me, it was good to get out my thoughts and just let them be heard. I wrote down all of the good things about being done with having kids. I set some goals, and started down a path to focus on my three children, my career, and my marriage. I was determined to be happy and find joy. I was not going to let this get me down any longer. I was so grateful for my blessings, and understood that I was very fortunate. But I still had that lingering, "but why". But I was okay not knowing the answer to that until later in life or even the next life, because I could not fathom why at this point.

I had been given many Priesthood Blessings that were very detailed about having another baby girl. So much detail that it made zero sense to me that I wouldn't. Why would my Dad and my husband who both gave me blessings, just make up random stuff that only I would feel a connection to and it spoke to me. I had multiple dreams about Arianna, and about being pregnant, and it just didn't make sense that I was done. But I had no choice but to move on. There was nothing left to try.

At one point my neighbor felt inspired to come and speak to Brad and I about his and his wife's experience with infertility. He mentioned something that greatly changed my perspective on Faith. He said that it's important that you don't put your faith in the outcome, but you keep your faith centered on Christ, that no matter the outcome, you know that Christ is on your side, and you hold firm and steady. Having faith in things or results is not where God wants us to put our faith, he wants the faith to be in him, and whatever his will is. I came across a great quote that simplifies this concept: "Faith is not about everything turning out okay. Faith is about being okay no matter how things turn out."

At that point, when I started to understand Faith a little better, I started to feel peace and hope for my  future (not hope for having more children) and I felt like I could find joy in my journey. Come what may, and love it.

It wasn't long after my mother in law passed away that my brother in law had a dream with her in it. She was surrounded by children and one was sitting on her lap. I felt inspired to show him the pictures that I found that looked like Arianna from my dreams to see if he recognized her. When I did, he started crying and was in disbelief that I would have a picture of the girl he saw in his dream. I didn't know quite fully what that meant, but it was a testimony to me that Arianna was truly real.

Fast forward to early January 2019. I started feeling sick. Very tired, very yucky, and all the symptoms that my body loves to trick me with each month to try to fool me into thinking I'm pregnant. I knew I couldn't be because of what the doctor's had said, and all of our failures and it had been 13 years of trying, there was just no way. Those days for the next two weeks were long and full of confusion. I googled everything I could about menopause and I decided to just wait until my period came the next month because surely, there was no way I was pregnant.

About two weeks later I was so sick it was hard to work or function without thinking that something was either seriously wrong with me, or a complete mind-boggling miracle was taking place. But I was still in denial. Even if I was pregnant, I knew that it was too good to be true and would most likely miscarry.

Instead of taking a stupid pee-test which I hate with so much passion because they always failed me in the past, I went straight to my fertility clinic and got a blood test. By then I was 7 weeks along and I decided I needed to either confirm this or seek help with menopause or whatever was wrong with me.

They called me back a few hours later and said that I was very pregnant. Not just slightly, but very. No question. I was still skeptical that it would stick, but having that confirmation was the craziest thing. In my mind, it just wasn't possible and yet, here we were.

I didn't think I was lucky enough to have Arianna, I thought for sure it was a boy. So our gender reveal was quite a surprise that we were pregnant with a girl. It's silly now that I think about it, of course, it was Arianna. Who else would it be? But I was shocked nonetheless and started to really ponder and pray about the events taking place. Was it really her?

I found an amazing midwife who came highly recommended and I felt really good about using her to deliver this baby girl. About 4 months into my pregnancy I found out she was leaving town a week prior to my due date for two weeks. I was really upset because I really wanted her to deliver my baby. I asked around more for some other recommendations but nothing worked out. Nobody else felt right. So I decided to just trust, and continue to see her.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I had a ton of contractions. I was almost on bed rest, trying to keep her in until she was 37 weeks. Once we hit 37 weeks, it was time to try to get her to come out before my midwife left town. I tried everything except for Castor Oil. I was determined to have her on Friday, August 23rd. That was the date that I decided was a good day for her birthday.

My dad gave me a priesthood blessing early in August and in it, said that 1) She wouldn't come too early, and 2) Everything would go according to plan. 3) I'd have a quick recovery and that the medical staff would be inspired to know exactly what to do. This brought me great comfort.

After trying all the typical ways to naturally induce labor, nothing was happening, so we went in on Friday to see my midwife to see what she thought and she let us know that the baby and turned and was breech. With all my contractions, we'd have to do a C-Section if my water broke so she wanted to move the baby, and then induce labor that very day. I was so excited, my plan worked! I remembered that blessing that "Everything would go according to plan".

We went to the hospital to start the process and some of the nurses there seemed to think we were doing a C-Section. I assured them that the baby was going to turn, so we wouldn't need to, but they weren't as convinced as I was. I felt so much peace knowing that in that blessing, everything would go according to plan. And I knew even if I had to have a C-Section, that I would be okay, and so would this baby.

Once I was in our room, my contractions stopped. The head nurse told me that "they have rules" and I'm too early to induce labor so if my contractions didn't pick up, they're sending me home. We said a  prayer and all the sudden, my contractions started coming every 2 minutes! The baby's heart rate plummeted and the entire staff was all in my room trying to 1) fix the baby's heart rate, and 2) figure out what in the world just happened. I knew that it was all meant to be this way, and the baby's heart rate went back up, and never dipped again. They told me based on what just happened, they aren't letting me go home, we were having the baby that day! So they went ahead and induced me, turned the baby super easily, and that night, my Arianna Mae was born with dark hair, olive skin, and Grandma's dimples. She was perfect in every way. 2 weeks early, 5 pounds, 12 ounces, 19" long.

Yesterday as I sat in bed feeding her, the song came on "Thousand Years". I just cried and cried happy tears, completely in awe that I was sitting there, holding my baby from my dreams. She was real. And she was here.

I also felt the grief and sadness from losing my mother in law. She and I were so close. But as I sat there, I heard in my thoughts "anytime you want to hug me, just hug her." Which of course made me cry even more. This perfect little girl was in her arms before she was in mine. And it was Donnamay's way of comforting and blessing us amidst all the heartache of losing her, as well as the 13 years of our infertility journey.

Anytime someone says "Arianna" now, there's this little bit of shock and disbelief that she is truly alive. Previous to this, her name was rarely said outloud, it was usually just in my thoughts. But she's here, she's in my arms, and just hearing her name spoken by other people is so humbling. All of those dreams, all of the hope, and lack of hope, and the faith, and lack of faith, and the tears, oh the tears. She's finally here.

I learned that even when we lack faith, or put our faith in the wrong things, God still loves us, and he still makes up the difference. It isn't our timing, and only on rare occasions does it work out according to plan, most of the time it does not. But it does work out in one way or another. Finding joy amidst our trials is so important. It's healthy, and it's what God wants for us. He doesn't give you trials to be angry or upset, he allows trials to happen, to help you to find joy amidst them. To teach you that you can trust him, no matter what. And when we put our trust in him, that is where we find peace.

There will be good days, and there will be many bad days. And when I started my little family 18 years ago, I never ever expected to be where I am today. There will be lots of bad advice, and a lot of hurtful things that people will say in an effort to "help" but truly, it's a personal journey that you cannot do on your own. You cannot control the outcome, you can only put it in the Lord's hands and allow him to do what he sees fit for your life, accepting His will every step of the way. When you give it to him, he will strengthen you and help you to find true joy.

The blessing... and the curse...

I like to come up with witty titles. Today I came up with this one. It's pretty fitting for how I feel. I wanted to record what I can remember of a Priesthood Blessing that Brad gave me in September. For those of you who don't know what a Priesthood Blessing is, my husband holds the Priesthood and has the power to give blessings to those that ask him. Those blessings are basically the words of God coming to his mind and he speaks them outloud to me. He has the ability through the Priesthood to heal, to comfort, to counsel, to instruct, and basically be God's mouthpiece. I am so grateful that my husband has this amazing blessing and responsibility. Brad gave our children Priesthood blessings before they started school and I asked him for one as well because I have been struggling with confusion and just feeling lost in my direction of what I should do since I had the miscarriage with Arianna.

The blessing told me that Heavenly Father was proud of me for my internal dialogue (my thoughts) that I've been having and that I was on the right track. He told me that because of my righteousness and my choices, that he would grant me the desires of my heart, whatever they are, and that I could ask for anything I wanted, but that in doing so, I needed to use this blessing wisely, and realize that whatever I ask for, will have consequences and so I needed to think through what I asked of God because when a blessing is given, it has long term effects basically.

So at first I was like "Wow! That's like a genie in a bottle!" I felt like I could ask for whatever I wanted and he'd give it to me! But then I remembered a conversation that we had with our daughter about taking games off of her phone. We had a Family Home Evening lesson explaining that we wanted to increase our spirituality as a family and focus on important things and we felt like removing all of the games off of her phone and focusing on reading the scriptures is what we needed to do as a family but that we would leave that decision up to her. She was really torn because she wanted her games but she also knew that it was God's will for her to follow her parents guidance and to remove those games so ultimately she made the decision on her own to take those games off.

I realized that God did the same thing to me. He let the decision to have more children be up to me, but warned me that if I decided to choose to have another child when I knew in my heart that there were no more children left to come to our family, that there would be huge consequences in the end. Whether that means another miscarriage, or a death of a child, or a handicapped child, or whatever it may be, that the result would most likely not be what I wanted in the end because it was not part of God's plan, but he wanted me to know that he loves me so much that he will give me what I want if I want it that bad.

He's such a kind God. He loves me so much. He understands my sorrow and my grief and my yearning for children. He loves his children even more than I love mine, those that are here and those that are not. He truly mourns with us and wants us so bad to find peace and happiness and contentment.

I have decided to find a new purpose and a new focus. I have decided to accept what I've been given and be filled with gratitude for the miracles in my life because there are so many. I have decided to focus on helping other people that I come in contact with. To help them to heal and to find peace and to find wholeness. I am focusing my life now on my three beautiful children, on my husband, on preparing for our future, on making the most of my career, and learning how to assist in the healing of others through Emotion Code and Body Code.

I was blessed to have the chance to certify in Emotion Code and I am starting the journey to certify in Body Code soon which I hope will bless hundreds of lives in so many ways. And by focusing on all of these new things, I hope to find peace and happiness and gratification in other people's joy and in accepting God's will and plan for me. It may not be what I wanted originally, but I know that God doesn't make mistakes. This was his plan all along. I just needed to put myself in line with him. I can't expect a blessing that was never meant for me in the first place. I can ask for other blessings instead and find a different happiness with them.

Update: Some good... some bad

The last three months have been pretty nuts. In March I came across this book called "Emotion Code" by Dr. Bradley Nelson. It talks about how the emotions that we feel are energies that can actually become trapped in our body and affect our body's functioning. I read the book and immediately started to test it out and started working on Brad's fertility. Within about two weeks I conceived naturally for the first time since 2003. I was in shock. How could something so simple as the Emotion Code cure Brad of his over a decade of infertility? Absolutely amazed and beyond excited. Then two weeks later, I miscarried. Incredibly sad and discouraged, I lifted up my chin and knew that if it could happen once, it could happen again... so the next month, we got pregnant again! And I miscarried again. And the next month I got pregnant AGAIN and I miscarried again, only this time I was a little further along. Long enough that I know the baby's heart was beating and I had dreams about her. Her name was Arianna Esther Brockbank. She is beautiful. I wish so bad I could hold her in my arms and raise her to womanhood, but I also know that God's plan for her was only to receive a body and to have all of the blessings of mortality without any of the trails and I'm grateful and honored that I could give her that opportunity, as hard as it was (trust me, it was one of the hardest things I've gone through), I know without a doubt that she is perfect and didn't need the trial of this mortal life, just a body for a week and she was back to heaven. I enjoyed her spiritual presence with me for a short time, I felt her very often. And I truly miss her. 

So now we're onto our next month. I'm at a point where I don't know what the Lord wants to teach me, I don't know if I'll get pregnant again and if I'll miscarry again, but I do know that the Lord loves me. And he has a plan not only for me but for all his precious children, and they all have a divine purpose and need to be born at a certain time.

Do I feel that my family is complete? Not really. Am I okay with it if it is? Absolutely. Would I like another child? Absolutely. So I trust and I wait and I trust and I wait. Story of my life. But I'm happy and I feel peace and comfort knowing that Arianna is in good hands and happier than she would have ever been here on Earth. And I'm grateful for an eternal family and the knowledge that some day I will be able to raise her and hold her in my arms.

-Angel-

Let this be enough...

This last year has not been the easiest year of my life. I could probably count it in the top five hardest? We've moved a few times, tried a few jobs, started our own company, and just the fact that Charlie is now a toddler is just exhausting. And with every stage and milestone I can't help but yearn for one more. Will he be all alone growing up? He's so bored now, it will only get worse. I've had more dreams of a little girl. We want to name her Arianna. She has the same beautiful coloring as Abbie. I really hope she exists.

With all the changes in our life, we haven't been able to save up anymore money for In Vitro. We've tried Supplements and oils and different natural doctors and everything we could try with the money that we do have but nothing is happening, nothing is changing. 

And with every yearning feeling and pleading with God, I can't help but feel guilty. Who am I to complain or yearn or whine or want? I have Charlie! He's everything and more I've wanted. Why do I want more? Am I like a child who just can't be satisfied with what I have?

I don't know. I do know it's a righteous desire to want more children. But I also know it's not really my place to expect the Lord to bless me with something that is his. These little spirits don't come for us. They come for their own purpose. So who are we to demand that it satisfies our desires?

Recently I went to a Women's Conference and something someone said there has greatly impacted me. She said instead of praying for more of this and more of that, can we pray that what we have can be enough? I honestly have never in my life thought to pray for that! But what a wonderful and righteous desire! 

I'm all about having goals and dreams and affirmations. Super important! But when your prayers are being answered with a "Wait and be patient", then what a wonderful thing to pray for. "Let this be enough." So... I'm waiting patiently and trusting that God has a plan for all of his children, and I will trust that plan. And in the meantime I am praying daily and sometimes hourly... "Let this be enough."

Paradigm Shift...

Some notes I wrote a few months back: 

What if it's not about when we will have babies, when we will partake of our blessing that we want... what if it's purely about when these children are supposed to come to Earth? What their mission on Earth is, what they will accomplish completely based on God's timing. Our wanting a blessing when we want the blessing cannot change God's ultimate plan of bringing more souls onto this Earth with each of their own purposes in life. Our purpose is not to have more children, our purpose is truly to accept God's will and his plan not only for us but especially for our children. 

What if there is a war that has a draft in 2024. If I had Charlie in 2006 when I wanted him, he'd be 18 then. Versus being only 10 at that time. Who knows. I don't know God's plan for him but who am I to demand he come at a time that is not set forth for him? 

Infertility is a trial that is designed to teach us to accept God's will and his timing but somehow it is a lesson that is so difficult and emotional. I think because for a woman we feel like it affects our purpose in life. It's a righteous desire and so for us to not be able to fulfill that purpose it goes against our righteous desires and we have this internal struggle of wanting to fulfill our grand purpose and role yet struggling to accept God's plan and timing. 

"I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

I decided to go through my blog yesterday and reread the whole thing. I was quite impressed. I'm so grateful to be on the other side of Charlie now, where I can enjoy every second of his life. Whenever he holds onto my legs it reminds me of when Abbie was just a few months old and I remember feeling a little spirit around me, just holding onto my legs. That's when I decided to start trying for Charlie. A little less than 10 years ago now. It is almost surreal to be living what I dreamed of now. 

Going through In Vitro again for me, it's not the same as it was for Charlie. In one way I feel like it should be. Like I should be so emotionally invested in it like I was last time, but this time it's more of just doing what needs to be done to get to the next step. It's kind of weird. I feel like we're not done, I want at least one more to give Charlie a friend and hopefully then I'll feel like our family is complete. But if it's not, I'll do it again. It's hard to understand how some people can plan out their families so easily, some end up with no children at all, and for some, having children is their trial... It's so interesting how the same experience of having children can be so different for so many people. I look forward to the day when I feel that our family is complete. I'm sure I will be sad I won't have more babies, as I truly do enjoy this phase, but I look forward to that feeling of completeness. Just like when I had the confirmation that Brad was supposed to be my husband, I felt that completeness.

 I will say that for me, I appreciate not just Charlie more, but my girls as well because of what I had to go through to get Charlie, it makes me more grateful for what miracles the girls are that I didn't have to go through that for them. I watched them playing together at a playground yesterday and I just said a prayer of gratitude that they have each other to be best friends. They are 22 months apart. What a blessing that I didn't even have to struggle more than 6 months to get pregnant with each of them! I had no idea what was lying ahead for us, but again, I'm so grateful for this trial. It has opened my eyes and allowed me to feel so much gratitude for what I do have, and for what role the Lord has in my life, in all of our lives. It reminds me of a scripture from the Book of Mormon in 1st Nephi. Nephi is speaking to an Angel: 

 16 And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?

 17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

Just like Nephi... I don't know the meaning of all things. I don't know why we have had to struggle with infertility. I don't know why some people can have 10 kids without trying, or some 15 year olds can get pregnant in the back of a car their first time, or why abusive druggy parents keep poppin' 'em out. I don't know why the Lord had this in the cards for me, BUT, I do know that he loves his children. And I know that all of the trials that we experience in this life, truly do make us better, if we allow them to. If we look at the cards we are dealt with and figure out how to make something good out of them rather than wanting someone else's hand, or just giving up on the game, every hand that is dealt can become the winning hand, with God as our partner, because his plan is for us to win! As long as we turn our will to his, and accept that what he has planned for us, it will ultimately bring us the most happiness, then we will be able to experience that happiness. We are his children, and he is teaching us, and sometimes we are like that two year old who throws a tantrum over something that they shouldn't have, and so we need to remember that God knows everything. From beginning to end. And after all, these are not our children. They are his. We are just the stewards. Who are we to tell him when we get to be stewards of his own children? I hope that helps. Thanks for reading!

Next Steps

Brad and I are going to try to do one round of Artificial Insemination (IUI) this summer. I decided for $300, it's worth a shot to see if I can try to avoid In Vitro again. With all the great supplements we are taking and the diet changes, I'm hoping that something will happen this summer, but in case it doesn't, we're still planning on In Vitro in November. Here is the list of items we're taking/doing: Gluten Free (brad) Sugar Free (trying to at least) (brad) Dairy Free (more like reduced dairy ;) ) (brad) Pregnitude- (me) Fertilaid- (brad) omega 3- (both) multi vitamin (both) AG Immune from Bodywise (both) Men's Vitamin from Bodywise (brad) With all the stuff, I hope something will happen. Brad has already dropped 15 pounds though, so that's good. I feel really good about this plan because I won't feel as emotional throughout the summer knowing there is an ultimate solution in November. It will just be an added amazing miracle and blessing if something happens before November, but I'm not counting on it happening. I'm back to the same place I was with Abbie though, watching everyone that had a child at the same time as I did, get pregnant again, knowing I should be too, but it's their turn first. That's alright, I've done this before, I will do it again, only this time with a little more experience and hopefully a little less painful emotion. Considering we're not waiting another 8-9 years, I think we'll be good.

Make a List and Check it Twice

This post was from about two months ago, I never posted it, so I'm going to edit/update it and post it. I'm a list maker. I LOVE To Do lists. If for no other reason than to check things off as completed. If I do something that is not on the list, I make sure to write it on there and then check it off so that I feel more accomplished. It's so rewarding. So I have my checklist of things that I need to do to be able to do In Vitro again. Here is my list: 1) Stop Breastfeeding 2) Gain 10 lbs 3) Take Supplements for at least 3 months beforehand 4) Start my Period and have two periods before In Vitro 5) Earn enough money to pay for In Vitro So I have those going on in my head every day. I've accomplished #1, I still need to work on #2, I'm doing well with #3, #4 is good, I'm on my 3rd period now, and #5... not so much. Thus the reason we are pushing out till November. If anyone has any fundraising ideas, please let me know. I'm having a harder time with earning the money than I had hoped. I am starting to work out every morning and take a weight gainer protein, so I'm pretty confident I can gain another 7 lbs by November 1st. That's my update! Thanks for reading.

My Journey, Part II

I think it's time to start my journey, Part II. This time is a bit different. A lot bit different. It's a whole new story. Charlie has been my whole world in the last two years... well, frankly the last 10 years, but especially the last two years. Everything in my life has pretty much revolved around him. I have never felt so much joy in all my life. The scriptures talk about how great will be your joy, even more than your pain, and it really is true. So I have had this internal conflict going on. I know I want to have another baby... for two reasons. #1) Charlie needs a friend. I don't want him to be alone. #2) I don't feel like we're "done". So, I'm okay with trying again. I think this time around will be different because I already have Charlie. I haven't had any dreams or visions, I just have a desire to complete our family and make Charlie happier than he already is. So what is my conflict? Well I wanted to breastfeed Charlie till he was one. He's almost 10 months. It's two stupid months, I know he won't be upset about it later on in life, but I'm having a hard time giving it up. I think maybe I don't want him to grow up? I don't know... but the stars are starting to align, and I really think July is going to be the lucky month. And so I need to stop breastfeeding so that I can start my cycle and get ready to do In Vitro. The doctor said it usually takes about 2 months to start your cycle after breastfeeding, and he wants me to have a cycle for two months before the procedure, so that pretty much means I need to stop right now. We also have a big event that Brad and I are in charge of later this month that is a two day event, and so I think I need to just ween him starting now. It's not very fun though. I've absolutely enjoyed every minute of bonding with Charlie. And it's not like I'm not going to bond with him anymore, but it's just different. To be his lifeline, it does something to me. It makes me feel like he needs me as much as I need him. And it's a dream come true, literally. I love my Charlie more than words can express. But I just need to remind myself, that I'm having another one so he can have a friend, I'm doing this for him. And so... the Journey begins, Part II. Wish me luck!