So We took our last tests and everything is good to go... Hurry up and wait. I'm waiting for my next period, then I start Birth Control, then injections around July 29th. Then we'll get the eggs around August 19th, and then the transfer around Aug 23rd.
I'm super excited that I spoke to the pharmacy and the cost of my injections are about $1000 less than I thought it would be! And the billing gal said the ultrasounds and blood tests at the end are all included in the price they gave me which makes me happy too! I'm so excited to get this going :)
Here's to Charlie...
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Friday, June 22, 2012
New Calendar... Here we go!
Well I got my calendar, I'm so excited! This is really happening! So I should start BC on 7/15, and start injections on 7/29... Then I should be doing the retrieval around 8/19, and transfer around 8/22 or 8/25. That means in two months I'll be pregnant! Only one more period! Hallefreakinlujia.
I feel very confident that this is what God wants us to do, and I'm so grateful that I'm at this point... If I could fast-forward the next two months I totally would though :)
Here's to Charlie...
I feel very confident that this is what God wants us to do, and I'm so grateful that I'm at this point... If I could fast-forward the next two months I totally would though :)
Here's to Charlie...
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
How it all began
I find it interesting how emotion can hide around any corner you aren't really expecting. You think you're fine and brave and then all the sudden it hits you like a load of bricks when you least expect it. That happens a few times a year. It happened again this February, but let me start from the beginning.
We got married in May of 2001. We got pregnant with Tori in December of 2001, had her in September. About a year or so after she was born, we started trying for another. We got pregnant 6 months later in October 2003 with Abbie, had her in July 2004. Within a few months of having Abbie, I felt very strongly like there was a little spirit waiting to come to our family. I was surprised, as Abbie was so young, but I couldn't shake the feeling of the presence around me, like a toddler tugging at my leg. So I stopped breastfeeding Abbie at about 5 1/2 months so we could start trying again because I felt so strongly about it...
Fast forward about a year later and we thought it was very odd that we weren't pregnant yet. I had a dream one night. It was so vivid, I'd probably consider it a vision, but I was asleep at the time, so we'll just call it a dream. In this dream I was holding a cute little baby boy. He was probably 10 months or so and had the cutest dimples in the world (next to Brad's). I was trying to figure out where this little boy came from when he started talking to me. It shocked me, since he was too young to talk, but he explained to me that he was so excited to come and talk to me and begged Heavenly Father to let him come and tell me and Heavenly Father kept telling him no, no, you can't tell them yet, but he begged him and begged him and finally Heavenly Father let him come tell me that he was coming to our family and couldn't wait to be a part of it! I laughed because it seemed so much like me, that I can't wait to tell people things, and always want to know what's happening, etc. etc. He said, "And you need to name me Charlie." I said to him, "I don't like that name, I'm not calling you Charlie." And he said, "Yes, you have to call me Charlie." I said... "I'll think about it." And then I put him down, he crawled away. There were a few other things that happened in the dream that weren't very relevant, but I knew those dimples were Brad's, and I knew his name was Charlie, and that he was mine...
I've had several confirmations by the Holy Ghost that that dream was not just a random dream, but it had significance.
So we went to the Doctor a year later. The doctor decided to test Brad. So when the tests came back, this is what he said, "Well, yep it's definitely you. I hope you weren't planning on having a large family because there's no way you'll get pregnant with these results." Yeah, he actually said that. I was shocked. My whole vision of my life and how I had planned it pretty much shattered at that point.
Since then we've gone to about 5 doctors, all of which say that it is Brad and that all they can do is In Vitro, nothing else to do.
We've done an IUI once by that same lame doctor whom I found out later didn't have a clue what he was doing. Lame. We've done numerous acupuncture, pills, diets, EFT, pretty much everything I've heard, we've done...except In Vitro.
The first few years we were broke, and I was somewhat patient. There's been a few years where I was determined to do something but something would get in the way, whether it was a move or lack of money or fear or just feeling like we were doomed to not have any more children. But in the back of my mind, I kept seeing Charlie smiling at me, so excited to come to our family and I knew that if I gave up, I was letting him down.
I know it's very possible that I won't get pregnant. Maybe Charlie came and I miscarried early? Maybe Charlie will come in the next life. But my main reason for doing In Vitro this year, is that I want to know that the day that I stand in front of God, I can say to him, that I did everything I could. That I didn't ignore all those promptings, visions, dreams, inspirations, and feelings, that I tried all that I could do, to do his will.
But its been 90 months of roller coasters. 90 failures. 90 Day 1's. I hate Day 1, can I just say that? It's the worst day of the month. It is filled with failure and cramps and blood and loss of hope. But then by Day 5 I usually feel like I can try again. For some reason or another.
I know that Brad and I are blessed beyond belief with two beautiful girls. We say a prayer of gratitude every day for them. I feel like its hard to talk to anyone about my situation because most of those going through it have no kids, so they think I'm crazy for feeling so sad and depressed when I already have two and I can't say I don't agree. And usually everyone says, "Well at least you have two." But it doesn't take away the emptiness that I feel constantly.
I just want to feel whole and move on with the next chapter of my life. I hate the fact that Abbie is almost 8 and having another child, maybe even twins, will totally change our life. I love sleeping, and I love the fact that my children can feed themselves, dress themselves, and even wipe their own bums. To start this whole process all over again is completely crazy. I have no idea why I'm doing this. I guess I do, its for Charlie. But seriously, I don't understand why I couldn't have Charlie 6 years ago. He'd be in school, and we'd pretty much be where we are right now, only "complete".
But alas, apparently there's some sort of lesson I have to learn, and although it seems like the only lesson I'm going to learn is how much needles hurt and how much I don't miss diapers, I will do this anyway because I feel like this is what the Lord wants me to do, and so I will go and do. Even if it hurts, and is extremely inconvenient.
I understand that we all have our own journey, and that my journey is completely different than others. And I'm so incredibly grateful that my huge trial is infertility. Honestly, Brad and I were talking about how we were in the pre-existance and were picking our big trial and we decided this would be a great one for us since we could get lots of "practice" while trying to overcome our trial. Seriously, what trial is there that's better than this for a marriage? I'm not complaining about that. I'd rather this than other trails for sure. But I'm ready to give it my all and see what happens. I just hope that its not in vain. I hope that I'm not delusional. And I hope that by the end of this I don't become delusional.
So fast forward to a few months ago. After Brad and I decided that 2012 was our year. We'd give it our all and however it turns out, we'll accept God's will. We went to a specialist, hoping that he'd say lets do 3 IUI's and then if those don't work, we'll do In Vitro. Unfortunately the tests came back for Brad from 6 million count from last time a year or so ago down to just 1 million. So he said doing IUIs would be a complete waste, and we need to do In Vitro. I pretty much freaked out. Had an anxiety attack/panic attack and started bawling on the way home. I really didn't want it to come down to this. I thought 5 years ago that when it was the Lord's timing, he'd just bless us with a baby. Why wouldn't he? If he wanted it to happen it would happen. I felt like what's the point of doing In Vitro, because if he wanted us to get pregnant, it would happen regardless of how. But I've learned since February that this is what he wants us to do, for some unknown reason, and he's prepared a way for us to do it, so here we go... this is for Charlie.
We got married in May of 2001. We got pregnant with Tori in December of 2001, had her in September. About a year or so after she was born, we started trying for another. We got pregnant 6 months later in October 2003 with Abbie, had her in July 2004. Within a few months of having Abbie, I felt very strongly like there was a little spirit waiting to come to our family. I was surprised, as Abbie was so young, but I couldn't shake the feeling of the presence around me, like a toddler tugging at my leg. So I stopped breastfeeding Abbie at about 5 1/2 months so we could start trying again because I felt so strongly about it...
Fast forward about a year later and we thought it was very odd that we weren't pregnant yet. I had a dream one night. It was so vivid, I'd probably consider it a vision, but I was asleep at the time, so we'll just call it a dream. In this dream I was holding a cute little baby boy. He was probably 10 months or so and had the cutest dimples in the world (next to Brad's). I was trying to figure out where this little boy came from when he started talking to me. It shocked me, since he was too young to talk, but he explained to me that he was so excited to come and talk to me and begged Heavenly Father to let him come and tell me and Heavenly Father kept telling him no, no, you can't tell them yet, but he begged him and begged him and finally Heavenly Father let him come tell me that he was coming to our family and couldn't wait to be a part of it! I laughed because it seemed so much like me, that I can't wait to tell people things, and always want to know what's happening, etc. etc. He said, "And you need to name me Charlie." I said to him, "I don't like that name, I'm not calling you Charlie." And he said, "Yes, you have to call me Charlie." I said... "I'll think about it." And then I put him down, he crawled away. There were a few other things that happened in the dream that weren't very relevant, but I knew those dimples were Brad's, and I knew his name was Charlie, and that he was mine...
I've had several confirmations by the Holy Ghost that that dream was not just a random dream, but it had significance.
So we went to the Doctor a year later. The doctor decided to test Brad. So when the tests came back, this is what he said, "Well, yep it's definitely you. I hope you weren't planning on having a large family because there's no way you'll get pregnant with these results." Yeah, he actually said that. I was shocked. My whole vision of my life and how I had planned it pretty much shattered at that point.
Since then we've gone to about 5 doctors, all of which say that it is Brad and that all they can do is In Vitro, nothing else to do.
We've done an IUI once by that same lame doctor whom I found out later didn't have a clue what he was doing. Lame. We've done numerous acupuncture, pills, diets, EFT, pretty much everything I've heard, we've done...except In Vitro.
The first few years we were broke, and I was somewhat patient. There's been a few years where I was determined to do something but something would get in the way, whether it was a move or lack of money or fear or just feeling like we were doomed to not have any more children. But in the back of my mind, I kept seeing Charlie smiling at me, so excited to come to our family and I knew that if I gave up, I was letting him down.
I know it's very possible that I won't get pregnant. Maybe Charlie came and I miscarried early? Maybe Charlie will come in the next life. But my main reason for doing In Vitro this year, is that I want to know that the day that I stand in front of God, I can say to him, that I did everything I could. That I didn't ignore all those promptings, visions, dreams, inspirations, and feelings, that I tried all that I could do, to do his will.
But its been 90 months of roller coasters. 90 failures. 90 Day 1's. I hate Day 1, can I just say that? It's the worst day of the month. It is filled with failure and cramps and blood and loss of hope. But then by Day 5 I usually feel like I can try again. For some reason or another.
I know that Brad and I are blessed beyond belief with two beautiful girls. We say a prayer of gratitude every day for them. I feel like its hard to talk to anyone about my situation because most of those going through it have no kids, so they think I'm crazy for feeling so sad and depressed when I already have two and I can't say I don't agree. And usually everyone says, "Well at least you have two." But it doesn't take away the emptiness that I feel constantly.
I just want to feel whole and move on with the next chapter of my life. I hate the fact that Abbie is almost 8 and having another child, maybe even twins, will totally change our life. I love sleeping, and I love the fact that my children can feed themselves, dress themselves, and even wipe their own bums. To start this whole process all over again is completely crazy. I have no idea why I'm doing this. I guess I do, its for Charlie. But seriously, I don't understand why I couldn't have Charlie 6 years ago. He'd be in school, and we'd pretty much be where we are right now, only "complete".
But alas, apparently there's some sort of lesson I have to learn, and although it seems like the only lesson I'm going to learn is how much needles hurt and how much I don't miss diapers, I will do this anyway because I feel like this is what the Lord wants me to do, and so I will go and do. Even if it hurts, and is extremely inconvenient.
I understand that we all have our own journey, and that my journey is completely different than others. And I'm so incredibly grateful that my huge trial is infertility. Honestly, Brad and I were talking about how we were in the pre-existance and were picking our big trial and we decided this would be a great one for us since we could get lots of "practice" while trying to overcome our trial. Seriously, what trial is there that's better than this for a marriage? I'm not complaining about that. I'd rather this than other trails for sure. But I'm ready to give it my all and see what happens. I just hope that its not in vain. I hope that I'm not delusional. And I hope that by the end of this I don't become delusional.
So fast forward to a few months ago. After Brad and I decided that 2012 was our year. We'd give it our all and however it turns out, we'll accept God's will. We went to a specialist, hoping that he'd say lets do 3 IUI's and then if those don't work, we'll do In Vitro. Unfortunately the tests came back for Brad from 6 million count from last time a year or so ago down to just 1 million. So he said doing IUIs would be a complete waste, and we need to do In Vitro. I pretty much freaked out. Had an anxiety attack/panic attack and started bawling on the way home. I really didn't want it to come down to this. I thought 5 years ago that when it was the Lord's timing, he'd just bless us with a baby. Why wouldn't he? If he wanted it to happen it would happen. I felt like what's the point of doing In Vitro, because if he wanted us to get pregnant, it would happen regardless of how. But I've learned since February that this is what he wants us to do, for some unknown reason, and he's prepared a way for us to do it, so here we go... this is for Charlie.
Well, I started testing for this whole process. They took my blood on Tuesday and did the same lame ultrasound they always do, saying everything looks great and giving me a ridiculous bill for it. I'm a bit concerned about costs right now, worried that I'm going to come out short. At the beginning of the year Brad and I decided this was the year that we would try everything, and if things don't work out, we move on. So I've been saving up every last penny for In Vitro so that we can do everything we can do and with all these stupid tests, I'm worried that it's going to come down to the last wire and we'll have to postpone.I'm tired of waiting, I just want it to be over with. I just want to know the end of the story and how it turns out. I hate not knowing. But I guess that's where the faith is supposed to come into play.I have more tests on Friday. I guess it's a different type of ultrasound and a fake embryo transfer. I can't figure out why they have to do all these tests when we know I've had 2 kids and the problem is Brad, not me, but alas, I hope it results in a baby. If not, I hope the doctor enjoys a nice expensive trip to Europe with my donations.I found out yesterday my thyroid is low. That doesn't make sense since I only weigh 106 lbs and I look like my thyroid works on overtime. But I have to take some pills for it until after I have a baby I think. I hope it gives me more energy and doesn't effect my weight at all. I'm happy with how much I weigh.I'll let you know how the next tests go. I do know they're $600. Monday's tests were $520. First consult and semen analysis was $485 I believe. Then I did an HSG test and that was $420. This baby better support me when I'm old and gray...
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Friday, February 5, 2010
Baby Showers
Note to self: Don't ask an infertile friend to host a baby shower for you... just doesn't make them feel very good.
I think I'm going to do In Vitro in December or January... being that I have the funds. *Sigh*
I think I'm going to do In Vitro in December or January... being that I have the funds. *Sigh*
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Filling the Need
Well, 4 fish, and one lizard later, I'm still feeling that desire for new life. I really want a new kitten or puppy for Christmas but we just can't afford it and frankly I don't want to clean up all the mess. But I still have that desire for new life. I've thought lately that once I turn 30 I'm just going to go on birth control or maybe use other forms to prevent me from ever getting pregnant because I think 30 is just too old (at least for myself) to have a baby, the baby would be at the minimum 7 years younger than Abbie, it would be like 2 families! I'm thinking maybe in the Spring we'll get a new puppy. I don't know. I just hate that feeling of emptiness and craving. Lizards and Fish DEFINITELY don't fill it. And either does chocolate. Darn it.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Where the Miracle Lies
I forgot to share a really cool story. I have been on this process of "finding my why" and I received a personal revelation that totally changed my paradigm. I've known for almost a year now that the real reason I'm not able to have more children is that the Lord has a different plan for me right now, I have some sort of task or "assignment" I need to complete right now that the Lord knows I couldn't if I was pregnant or had little ones. So in understanding that, and embracing that, the other night as I was saying a prayer, I had the thought... "Maybe the miracle I'm waiting for won't be in getting pregnant, maybe the miracle is that I haven't gotten pregnant in five years." And I know this is too personal, but I actually laughed out loud when I had this thought, coming from the Lord's point of view "And you haven't made it easy with the amount that you two make love." So my paradigm totally shifted when I realized that it is the Lord and his hand in what is happening in my life, and its a matter of trusting him, knowing that I really should be grateful that he's helping me become that person that he knows I need to become to have that ultimate happiness I'm looking for, and that I shouldn't see Brad or I as "broken", but that the Lord is working a miracle every month to prevent us from messing up the plan that he has for us. Pretty cool!
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Gratitude
Yesterday was a great day. Not to say there weren't many tears and much sorrow, but it was a great day. I spoke with a great friend of mine, Shirley Morgan, who shared with me a thought from one of my favorite books, "Remembering Wholeness" by Carol Tuttle. Its a great one. The thing I was struggling with most is what's the point in hoping and desiring and having faith in something if it's the Lord's will for it to NOT happen, it won't, so what's the point of even trying? In Chapter 37, it talks about how before this life we chose the trials necessary that we'd need to go through in order to become the people we need to become to be more like God. And my friend said to me, "Did you ever think that maybe you chose this trial for yourself because you knew you needed it?" It was almost like she pulled the rug out from under me and left me on my butt. I never once thought of it, it was always what God was doing to me, not what I had planned for myself. It gave me ownership in my trials that as sucky as they are sometimes, I knew I'd go through this and for a great reason.
I thought back to my "plan" for my life. It basically consisted of getting married to my dream man, having five kids, always having dinner ready at 6:00, living in a decent house, getting the kids raised, married in the temple, and moving onto retirement. There was no dreams, no success, no personal enrichment, no self discovery. Maybe if my life happened the way I had planned it to happen when I was younger, I wouldn't be able to have true happiness, find my great sense of self, and all the things I can accomplish, and especially I wouldn't have the opportunity as much to help other people in this life because I would have been so focused on just my family. I am feeling an incredible sense of gratitude for this trial and who it has made me become.
Yesterday I came to the decison that it will no longer be a "what if", it is a "when".... and more importantly right now, "until then..." What I mean by that is I've been so worried about "what if I don't get pregnant", "if I don't then I'll be so sad... etc"... but I decided that I need to look at it as "until the time comes that I get pregnant again, I'm going to live every day to its fullest. I'm going to learn everything I can, and when I get pregnant, I will be so grateful that I had the chance to take that time to learn and grow and be a better person and a better mother, ready to raise another child whom I will be so much more grateful for.
So, the lesson of the day, is gratitude. Maybe I'm smarter than I thought :)
I thought back to my "plan" for my life. It basically consisted of getting married to my dream man, having five kids, always having dinner ready at 6:00, living in a decent house, getting the kids raised, married in the temple, and moving onto retirement. There was no dreams, no success, no personal enrichment, no self discovery. Maybe if my life happened the way I had planned it to happen when I was younger, I wouldn't be able to have true happiness, find my great sense of self, and all the things I can accomplish, and especially I wouldn't have the opportunity as much to help other people in this life because I would have been so focused on just my family. I am feeling an incredible sense of gratitude for this trial and who it has made me become.
Yesterday I came to the decison that it will no longer be a "what if", it is a "when".... and more importantly right now, "until then..." What I mean by that is I've been so worried about "what if I don't get pregnant", "if I don't then I'll be so sad... etc"... but I decided that I need to look at it as "until the time comes that I get pregnant again, I'm going to live every day to its fullest. I'm going to learn everything I can, and when I get pregnant, I will be so grateful that I had the chance to take that time to learn and grow and be a better person and a better mother, ready to raise another child whom I will be so much more grateful for.
So, the lesson of the day, is gratitude. Maybe I'm smarter than I thought :)
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Finding My Why
My cousin's wife whom I dearly love, Katie Jensen has her own personal blog about her journey through infertility and I felt like today I needed to start my own so as not to blab my drama to all my family and friends and possible ex-boyfriends :), so I decided to start this. Thanks for reading. Started cramping again yesterday after I lost a $1000 sale with my J Hilburn business. I thought to myself "there's no way I could be taking this so hard that it would be effected so physically by this", but then I realized, oh yeah, "Its that time of the month, crap." So then I had to do my quick psycho inventory to figure out if I was going to be okay this month or have a break-down. I decided I'd be fine because if I got pregnant this month I may not be able to go to Mayakoba Mexico next May with J Hilburn, and that would suck to work so hard and then not be able to go, you know? So I thought I could get through this month without a problem. Well, this morning I threw that out the window and started feeling down. These are the thoughts that came to my mind:
"If its not god's will that I get pregnant, its still my fault."
"I feel like I don't have control over the whole situation but that its still my fault and that I'm letting him down. I don't know what else to do."
"Its my fault for some reason I don't know. But I feel like its my fault. "
Last thought: If I do get pregnant, I feel like there is some sort of lesson I'm supposed to learn from this whole experience and until I do, it won't happen... so what's the lesson? Why do I have such an incredible desire to have more kids when I'm not getting pregnant? God doesn't want me to be sad, so if its not his will right now, why do I have this overwhelming desire? If I wasn't supposed to have more kids, I'd be fine with that, and I'd accept that, but deep down inside I know that's not true, I'm almost 100% sure I'm supposed to have more.
"If its not god's will that I get pregnant, its still my fault."
"I feel like I don't have control over the whole situation but that its still my fault and that I'm letting him down. I don't know what else to do."
"Its my fault for some reason I don't know. But I feel like its my fault. "
Last thought: If I do get pregnant, I feel like there is some sort of lesson I'm supposed to learn from this whole experience and until I do, it won't happen... so what's the lesson? Why do I have such an incredible desire to have more kids when I'm not getting pregnant? God doesn't want me to be sad, so if its not his will right now, why do I have this overwhelming desire? If I wasn't supposed to have more kids, I'd be fine with that, and I'd accept that, but deep down inside I know that's not true, I'm almost 100% sure I'm supposed to have more.
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