Finding Peace

Originally written February, 2019 but forgot to post.

It's been a while. I have been through a lot. These last few years have been the most trying for sure, but they've been the most building and strengthening. Like a refiner's fire, or the potter's clay, I have been molded and burned over and over so much that at one point, I gave up. I saw a post today from Brene Brown, one of my favorite authors:

"The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or acceptable, but our wholeness-even our wholeheartedness-actually depends on our integration of all our experiences including the falls."-Brene Brown

After doing In Vitro and having my miracle boy, Charlie almost 6 years ago, I went through years of trying for one more. A miscarriage, and many ups and downs. Counseling, Self-Reflection, Blessings, Prayers, times of being happy and content, and times where I couldn't think of anything else but wanting what I couldn't have and yet everyone I know somehow gets exactly that thing, even when they don't want it at all.

In the last 4 1/2 years I have become a very different person than I was prior to having Charlie. I have found peace and joy, and at one point after every possible attempt, and every possible failure, I felt completely broken and I gave up. I had to. I had no choice. I was humbled more than I ever thought I could be and I had no choice but to turn it over to God because there is one thing I absolutely will not do, and that is 'be unhappy'. I refuse. I don't care what it takes, I refuse to be miserable. I allowed myself to grieve, I allowed myself to feel. There were many days of unhappiness. But I'm talking about long-term. I just won't allow that darkness in my life because I love the light.

So after multiple failed IVF attempts and every supplement, crazy diet change, prescription drug, hundreds of shots, and every fertility procedure that is known to man... I decided to find peace in my life and move on. I have three children (two naturally conceived, one IVF) and I know I am a blessed and although I didn't feel like our family was "complete" I knew I had done everything that I could possibly do, both physically and spiritually, and that's all that God expects. Our best. And honestly, there was nothing left to try. So I closed that chapter in my life.

I started making a list of all of the things I'm grateful for, all the blessings in my life, all the opportunities that I've had through this journey, all of the opportunities that I will have, not having another baby, and the great things I could accomplish with this future. My children are all in school now, I have an incredible career, I can focus on creating memories with my family, and reaching goals I never thought would be possible for me. Discovering that my potential and happiness as a strong, capable, and confident woman does not directly relate to the size of my family or the fruitfulness of my loins.

There have been many years in my journey that I have stopped trying, that I have been content with what I had, and I was open to whatever God wanted, so when people told me to "stop trying" all I felt was "you don't understand". There are so many things people say to try to empathize or understand but nobody really knows what you're going through. Every situation is different, and depending on where you're at in the journey, or the time of the month, comments like that can be so painful.

I had to set boundaries and know my limits. For example, I found that I cannot go to baby showers. I was asked in the midst of my struggle, to throw a baby shower for a friend of mine. I ended up in the bathroom with my first panic attack that day, and I realized that I was not in an emotional state to plan a party for someone else's success while I was struggling with my own grief. Even after we successfully had Charlie on year 8 of our 14 years of infertility, I tried one more time at a baby shower for a friend that had twins and I once again, found myself having to leave early. It just set off an emotional response. And so I decided that for me, baby showers were off-limits. And that's okay.

Each day is different, each month and year is different, and you just have to do what's best for yourself, not what everyone else expects you to do. I had close family members telling me to give up, my desire for more was asking too much of God. I had other close family members telling me to never give up, to keep trying every month, and do every single thing I could, but at that time, I was exhausted with trying. I think it's important to remember that pretty much everyone is trying to help, trying to understand, and trying to figure out what to say to fix the problem or fix your feelings. But that's not something that someone else can do for you. You have to find your own joy, your own peace. For me, I found that through my Savior. By putting my faith in him, not in the result that I was looking for. To understand that unanswered prayers are not answered for a reason, one that I cannot understand, but someday I will. And until that day comes, I will find joy in other ways, and in other things, and in finding gratitude and having faith in Christ. There's always someone that has it worse, but there's always someone that has it better... We all experience things differently, and each of our journeys cannot be compared to each other. And finding excuses to be happy rather than excuses to not be. That's how I endured and conquered.

The Story of Arianna

It all started back in college when I read a great novel series that had the main character whose name was Arianna. I loved that name when I read those books and decided I'd keep that in my pocket for a future daughter.

Around 2007. Brad and I were introduced to the book/movie titled "The Secret" it talks about the power and Law of Attraction and how powerful your mind and thoughts truly are. At that time we had our two daughters, Victoria and Abigail, they were still not quite school-aged, and I was anxious to grow our family more. I had a dream about our future son, his name was to be Charlie according to him in my dream, and so I put it out there that I wanted two more children. Charlie, and Arianna. I was hoping for twins, that's what I put on my dream board, but I wasn't going to be picky. I just wanted one boy and one more girl. So we started praying for Charlie and Arianna frequently and we really wanted to make those dreams come true.

In 2013 we still were struggling with infertility and were finally able to afford In Vitro to try to get pregnant. It was a hard long windy road, but Charlie was conceived and we were thrilled and oh so grateful. He was our miracle baby and everything we dreamed of. I was okay with just him if that's what God had in store for us, but I just kept feeling like we had at least one more.

In November, 2014 I wrote this in my journal:

"What if it's not about when we will have babies, when we will partake of our blessing that we want... what if it's purely about when these children are supposed to come to Earth.  What their mission on Earth is, what they will accomplish completely based on God's timing. Our wanting a blessing when we want the blessing cannot change God's ultimate plan of bringing more souls unto this Earth with each of their own purposes in life. Our purpose is not to have more children, our purpose is truly to accept God's will and his plan not only for us but especially for our children. 

What if there is a war that has a draft in 2024. If I had Charlie in 2006 when I wanted him, he'd be 18 then. Versus being only 10 at that time. Who knows. I don't know God's plan for him but who am I to demand he come at a time that is not set forth for him? 

Infertility is a trial that is designed to teach us to accept God's will and his timing but somehow it is a lesson that is so difficult and emotional. I think because for a woman we feel like it affects our purpose in life. It's a righteous desire and so for us to not be able to fulfill that purpose it goes against our righteous desires and we have this internal struggle of wanting to fulfill our grand purpose and role yet struggling to accept God's plan and timing."

Around 2016 I had a miscarriage, around 6 weeks. I didn't get a positive pregnancy test, but I knew I was pregnant, and I knew that it was Arianna. I could feel her presence and she spoke to me frequently in my thoughts. Sounds crazy, I know, but I knew that it was her. I was devastated to lose her and it made it worse that I didn't even get a positive test because my doubts would creep in and sometimes I would wonder if I was ever pregnant with her in the first place, but I couldn't deny how I felt for those 2 weeks that she was constantly there with me in Spirit.

I bought a necklace with a little baby ring on it with a pink gemstone. (See picture) I've worn that around my neck every day since, to honor Arianna and remind me that someday, I'll be able to raise her. Whether in this life or the next, she was close to my heart.

I've had a few dreams about Arianna. She had long dark hair, and incredible beauty. She looked so heavenly and angelic and I just knew that she was my daughter. She had such a beauty about her that in order to cope with my loss, I decided to search hard to find another little girl that looked similar to her, so that I could have a picture to remind me of her. I also chose a song for us. "Thousand Years" it's a love song, but for me, it was significant because I've loved her for a thousand years (eternity) and will continue to love her for a thousand more until someday we would be together.

Fast forward to 2018. We had new health insurance and decided that it was our last chance to try something, anything, to bring one more baby into our family because we still felt incomplete. We went through three rounds of IUIs, and it wasn't working. I had all but given up. I was tired of failing and not having control. July 10th, 2018, my mother in law were sitting at the dinner table and she told me that she felt like we needed to keep trying for another baby. She knew how much it meant to me and said that it broke her heart to see me wanting this so bad and she knew how hard it was on me to keep trying and failing, but strongly encouraged us to do so.

I had told her, almost in jest, that if she had a near-death experience during her heart surgery she had scheduled the next morning, to find out if Arianna is there in heaven and if she was going to come and then to report back to me. The next morning she went into surgery for a small repair on her heart, and she unexpectedly passed away.

It rocked my world. Changed my life. I'll never be the same. Death is different now, and so is life. After her last wish that night before, and with her passing, I had a new determination to try again to get pregnant, hoping that she would help us on the other side. We attempted two rounds of In Vitro from July through September, and they both failed miserably. It was really clear that my body was just too old and there was zero chance of In Vitro working, let alone anything else. I was devastated. I had finally felt a glimmer of hope, knowing that Donnamay and God were both on my side for this all to work. We spent so much money on all the treatments and emotionally invested in the process. I put all doubts and fears aside and had total faith that it would work. And it didn't.

My testimony of God didn't waiver, but my hope and my trust in my own feelings and how I heard the Holy Ghost, that was crushed. Because I had felt so strongly that it was going to work, why wouldn't it? She told me to try harder, and I did the most I possibly could have done, and it didn't work. I was broken. I was not okay.

After a few weeks of mourning and feeling as low as I'd ever been, I decided my pity party needed to be over and I needed to change my direction, perspective, and find joy. I went to a few counseling sessions to talk out my feelings and although I felt like I taught the counselor more than she taught me, it was good to get out my thoughts and just let them be heard. I wrote down all of the good things about being done with having kids. I set some goals, and started down a path to focus on my three children, my career, and my marriage. I was determined to be happy and find joy. I was not going to let this get me down any longer. I was so grateful for my blessings, and understood that I was very fortunate. But I still had that lingering, "but why". But I was okay not knowing the answer to that until later in life or even the next life, because I could not fathom why at this point.

I had been given many Priesthood Blessings that were very detailed about having another baby girl. So much detail that it made zero sense to me that I wouldn't. Why would my Dad and my husband who both gave me blessings, just make up random stuff that only I would feel a connection to and it spoke to me. I had multiple dreams about Arianna, and about being pregnant, and it just didn't make sense that I was done. But I had no choice but to move on. There was nothing left to try.

At one point my neighbor felt inspired to come and speak to Brad and I about his and his wife's experience with infertility. He mentioned something that greatly changed my perspective on Faith. He said that it's important that you don't put your faith in the outcome, but you keep your faith centered on Christ, that no matter the outcome, you know that Christ is on your side, and you hold firm and steady. Having faith in things or results is not where God wants us to put our faith, he wants the faith to be in him, and whatever his will is. I came across a great quote that simplifies this concept: "Faith is not about everything turning out okay. Faith is about being okay no matter how things turn out."

At that point, when I started to understand Faith a little better, I started to feel peace and hope for my  future (not hope for having more children) and I felt like I could find joy in my journey. Come what may, and love it.

It wasn't long after my mother in law passed away that my brother in law had a dream with her in it. She was surrounded by children and one was sitting on her lap. I felt inspired to show him the pictures that I found that looked like Arianna from my dreams to see if he recognized her. When I did, he started crying and was in disbelief that I would have a picture of the girl he saw in his dream. I didn't know quite fully what that meant, but it was a testimony to me that Arianna was truly real.

Fast forward to early January 2019. I started feeling sick. Very tired, very yucky, and all the symptoms that my body loves to trick me with each month to try to fool me into thinking I'm pregnant. I knew I couldn't be because of what the doctor's had said, and all of our failures and it had been 13 years of trying, there was just no way. Those days for the next two weeks were long and full of confusion. I googled everything I could about menopause and I decided to just wait until my period came the next month because surely, there was no way I was pregnant.

About two weeks later I was so sick it was hard to work or function without thinking that something was either seriously wrong with me, or a complete mind-boggling miracle was taking place. But I was still in denial. Even if I was pregnant, I knew that it was too good to be true and would most likely miscarry.

Instead of taking a stupid pee-test which I hate with so much passion because they always failed me in the past, I went straight to my fertility clinic and got a blood test. By then I was 7 weeks along and I decided I needed to either confirm this or seek help with menopause or whatever was wrong with me.

They called me back a few hours later and said that I was very pregnant. Not just slightly, but very. No question. I was still skeptical that it would stick, but having that confirmation was the craziest thing. In my mind, it just wasn't possible and yet, here we were.

I didn't think I was lucky enough to have Arianna, I thought for sure it was a boy. So our gender reveal was quite a surprise that we were pregnant with a girl. It's silly now that I think about it, of course, it was Arianna. Who else would it be? But I was shocked nonetheless and started to really ponder and pray about the events taking place. Was it really her?

I found an amazing midwife who came highly recommended and I felt really good about using her to deliver this baby girl. About 4 months into my pregnancy I found out she was leaving town a week prior to my due date for two weeks. I was really upset because I really wanted her to deliver my baby. I asked around more for some other recommendations but nothing worked out. Nobody else felt right. So I decided to just trust, and continue to see her.

Towards the end of my pregnancy, I had a ton of contractions. I was almost on bed rest, trying to keep her in until she was 37 weeks. Once we hit 37 weeks, it was time to try to get her to come out before my midwife left town. I tried everything except for Castor Oil. I was determined to have her on Friday, August 23rd. That was the date that I decided was a good day for her birthday.

My dad gave me a priesthood blessing early in August and in it, said that 1) She wouldn't come too early, and 2) Everything would go according to plan. 3) I'd have a quick recovery and that the medical staff would be inspired to know exactly what to do. This brought me great comfort.

After trying all the typical ways to naturally induce labor, nothing was happening, so we went in on Friday to see my midwife to see what she thought and she let us know that the baby and turned and was breech. With all my contractions, we'd have to do a C-Section if my water broke so she wanted to move the baby, and then induce labor that very day. I was so excited, my plan worked! I remembered that blessing that "Everything would go according to plan".

We went to the hospital to start the process and some of the nurses there seemed to think we were doing a C-Section. I assured them that the baby was going to turn, so we wouldn't need to, but they weren't as convinced as I was. I felt so much peace knowing that in that blessing, everything would go according to plan. And I knew even if I had to have a C-Section, that I would be okay, and so would this baby.

Once I was in our room, my contractions stopped. The head nurse told me that "they have rules" and I'm too early to induce labor so if my contractions didn't pick up, they're sending me home. We said a  prayer and all the sudden, my contractions started coming every 2 minutes! The baby's heart rate plummeted and the entire staff was all in my room trying to 1) fix the baby's heart rate, and 2) figure out what in the world just happened. I knew that it was all meant to be this way, and the baby's heart rate went back up, and never dipped again. They told me based on what just happened, they aren't letting me go home, we were having the baby that day! So they went ahead and induced me, turned the baby super easily, and that night, my Arianna Mae was born with dark hair, olive skin, and Grandma's dimples. She was perfect in every way. 2 weeks early, 5 pounds, 12 ounces, 19" long.

Yesterday as I sat in bed feeding her, the song came on "Thousand Years". I just cried and cried happy tears, completely in awe that I was sitting there, holding my baby from my dreams. She was real. And she was here.

I also felt the grief and sadness from losing my mother in law. She and I were so close. But as I sat there, I heard in my thoughts "anytime you want to hug me, just hug her." Which of course made me cry even more. This perfect little girl was in her arms before she was in mine. And it was Donnamay's way of comforting and blessing us amidst all the heartache of losing her, as well as the 13 years of our infertility journey.

Anytime someone says "Arianna" now, there's this little bit of shock and disbelief that she is truly alive. Previous to this, her name was rarely said outloud, it was usually just in my thoughts. But she's here, she's in my arms, and just hearing her name spoken by other people is so humbling. All of those dreams, all of the hope, and lack of hope, and the faith, and lack of faith, and the tears, oh the tears. She's finally here.

I learned that even when we lack faith, or put our faith in the wrong things, God still loves us, and he still makes up the difference. It isn't our timing, and only on rare occasions does it work out according to plan, most of the time it does not. But it does work out in one way or another. Finding joy amidst our trials is so important. It's healthy, and it's what God wants for us. He doesn't give you trials to be angry or upset, he allows trials to happen, to help you to find joy amidst them. To teach you that you can trust him, no matter what. And when we put our trust in him, that is where we find peace.

There will be good days, and there will be many bad days. And when I started my little family 18 years ago, I never ever expected to be where I am today. There will be lots of bad advice, and a lot of hurtful things that people will say in an effort to "help" but truly, it's a personal journey that you cannot do on your own. You cannot control the outcome, you can only put it in the Lord's hands and allow him to do what he sees fit for your life, accepting His will every step of the way. When you give it to him, he will strengthen you and help you to find true joy.