Let this be enough...

This last year has not been the easiest year of my life. I could probably count it in the top five hardest? We've moved a few times, tried a few jobs, started our own company, and just the fact that Charlie is now a toddler is just exhausting. And with every stage and milestone I can't help but yearn for one more. Will he be all alone growing up? He's so bored now, it will only get worse. I've had more dreams of a little girl. We want to name her Arianna. She has the same beautiful coloring as Abbie. I really hope she exists.

With all the changes in our life, we haven't been able to save up anymore money for In Vitro. We've tried Supplements and oils and different natural doctors and everything we could try with the money that we do have but nothing is happening, nothing is changing. 

And with every yearning feeling and pleading with God, I can't help but feel guilty. Who am I to complain or yearn or whine or want? I have Charlie! He's everything and more I've wanted. Why do I want more? Am I like a child who just can't be satisfied with what I have?

I don't know. I do know it's a righteous desire to want more children. But I also know it's not really my place to expect the Lord to bless me with something that is his. These little spirits don't come for us. They come for their own purpose. So who are we to demand that it satisfies our desires?

Recently I went to a Women's Conference and something someone said there has greatly impacted me. She said instead of praying for more of this and more of that, can we pray that what we have can be enough? I honestly have never in my life thought to pray for that! But what a wonderful and righteous desire! 

I'm all about having goals and dreams and affirmations. Super important! But when your prayers are being answered with a "Wait and be patient", then what a wonderful thing to pray for. "Let this be enough." So... I'm waiting patiently and trusting that God has a plan for all of his children, and I will trust that plan. And in the meantime I am praying daily and sometimes hourly... "Let this be enough."

Paradigm Shift...

Some notes I wrote a few months back: 

What if it's not about when we will have babies, when we will partake of our blessing that we want... what if it's purely about when these children are supposed to come to Earth? What their mission on Earth is, what they will accomplish completely based on God's timing. Our wanting a blessing when we want the blessing cannot change God's ultimate plan of bringing more souls onto this Earth with each of their own purposes in life. Our purpose is not to have more children, our purpose is truly to accept God's will and his plan not only for us but especially for our children. 

What if there is a war that has a draft in 2024. If I had Charlie in 2006 when I wanted him, he'd be 18 then. Versus being only 10 at that time. Who knows. I don't know God's plan for him but who am I to demand he come at a time that is not set forth for him? 

Infertility is a trial that is designed to teach us to accept God's will and his timing but somehow it is a lesson that is so difficult and emotional. I think because for a woman we feel like it affects our purpose in life. It's a righteous desire and so for us to not be able to fulfill that purpose it goes against our righteous desires and we have this internal struggle of wanting to fulfill our grand purpose and role yet struggling to accept God's plan and timing.