Update

This morning I was finally able to feel my uterus above my pelvic bone. I've been anxious to feel that, it's the first physical proof that he's growing :) I'm feeling much better as far as morning sickness and all that. But my tailbone has been hurting daily. And I'm not able to stand or walk very long without feeling cramps. So I'm taking it easy and things are going well. Can't wait to feel him move!

Looking good

Everything is looking great! I saw the little guy moving and his heart beating today! Sooo happy, so relieved! He's grown a lot in the last two weeks! He actually looks like a baby instead of a blob now! I can't wait to feel him move!!! Thank you for all of your support and prayers!

Tomorrow's the day...

Tomorrow we go to my new doctor. I'm going to start out trying a Midwife. We have Kaiser, so they do the whole Midwife thing. That does not mean that I'm going natural. I know the midwife has that connotation to it, but that is definitely not the case. I'll make sure she's pro drugs and we'll all be happy. I'm hoping that we'll have another ultrasound and I can post some pictures, but I know we'll at least be able to hear the heartbeat. I'm so excited. It's been a few weeks since the last time, so I'm very anxious to make sure the little guy is growing and doing well. I can't wait. I think I'm going to close up the blog and continue on with my personal blog after tomorrow. So if you want me to add you to my personal blog, you're welcome to make a comment with your email address or you can find me on facebook and message me. Thanks for following my journey. I'm so grateful that it went so well. And I'm so grateful that I was able to help some other people with questions and similar situations. I'll post tomorrow and that will be my last one... I think :). Thanks guys!

We heard the heart beat!

Yes, you heard me right, there was only one. But nonetheless, I'm still grateful there was a heartbeat. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little bummed. But I'm trying to look at all the positive things of only having one: 1) NO STRETCHMARKS!!! 2) NO C-SECTION 3) NO MINIVAN 4) NO WHALE OF A TUMMY 5) IT'LL BE EASIER TO WORK THROUGH THE PREGNANCY AND AFTER 6) LESS CHANCE OF COMPLICATIONS 7) QUIETER HOUSEHOLD Okay, that's all I can think of, anyone else have any more?

Time

I don't think it's possible for time to slow down any more than it has. I feel like every minute is an hour! *Sigh* I'm so anxious to know if I'm having twins and how they're doing. Sooo hard to wait! Two more days...

4 Days Sooner WOO HOO!

Guess What?! I convinced the nurse to let me come get my Ultrasound 4 days EARLIER! Woo Hoo! So I'm scheduled for Thursday, 9/20 to go see my babies. I can't wait :)

Mind games

So I'm going to be totally honest. Maybe it's me, maybe most of those that have IVF do this, I don't know, but I will confess that I play scenarios out in my head and have doubts...

Example #1: what if the doctor didn't even put any embryos in me, he just pretended. OR the embryos got stuck in the tube thing, how does he KNOW that they went in me?

Example #2: what if they are lying about my blood test results and I'm not really pregnant?

Example #3: what if these symptoms are all in my head?

Logically I know these are silly doubts and thoughts, of course I'm pregnant and it's real, but sometimes it's hard to really believe something you've wanted for SO long that has finally happened is actually for real. You're kind of waiting for the "Just Kidding!"

I just had to put it out there. Thankfully I know the pee tests and fat belly and lack of a period are all solid proof :).

The verdict is in... Kind of...

Well I got my results back. So for the Infertlity world, I am 16 DPO and 11 DP5DT. My numbers came back at 470.5 for HCG Level. So I more than tripled!!! According to betabase.info the average number for this day for twins is 401! Sooo, it's not official but it's a very good possibility!

So now we wait for 2 1/2 weeks till the ultrasound on the 24th to confirm. That's okay with me, I'm tired of being poked!

Poke Poke Poke

I'm really tired of getting my blood taken. Two times ago my vein collapsed and she had to try my other arm. This time the lady (different one) couldn't "find" my vein after poking my one arm and had to go back to the arm where the vein broke that other time. I told her to just use my jugular. She laughed. My goodness, my veins are NOT HAPPY! Thankfully I have a two week break before they take my blood again... I think... I hope. So I went in at 1:00 today because I had to make a later appointment so that I could go during my lunch hour and so the pharmacy nearby would be open, so what that means is that I don't get my results back until tomorrow :(. Totally bummed about that. So unfortunately I don't have anything to report today EXCEPT that my belly is growing (probably just water and fat) and my boobs are growing too (again, probably just water and fat, but that's okay)! Feeling a little less nauseated, and a little less cramps, but still definitely feel pregnant. Pants are getting tighter and tighter. I really need to go buy some more pants. I hate wearing sweats ALL THE TIME. It was fun for the first week, but it got old after that. I took another Home Pregnancy Test. I like to do that before my blood tests just to reassure me that they'll be positive results :). It was as bold as the other line. I'm not sure if they can be bolder than the other line or not, but they were the same darkness/thickness. So I felt much better about that. It still doesn't seem real though. I have to keep telling myself over and over that its real, it's happening. It's just so surreal.

Confirmed and Inconclusive...

Well I got my results back... 155.5 is my HCG level. I had in my mind that if it were around 100, I'd know it was 1, if it were 200 or higher, then I'd know it was twins. So... Right smack in the middle! Another test on Thursday to confirm they are doubling/tripling and then ultrasound at 2 1/2 weeks from now. I'm lowering my estrogen level and keeping the same with my progesterone although the levels were good. So... It's real! But still lots to know, twins? Boy/girl? Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!

I'm happy with whatever, so grateful it worked!

Takin' it easy

I slept for 3 hours today and tried to make sure and stay hydrated. Ive felt a good amount of cramps in the last 2 days, and this time they are more period-like. It's always nerve racking around the time you're supposed to start. But my reassurance is my sore boobs, morning sickness, and the two lines on the test that are much darker today. That and knowing most people who have done IVF feel cramping too.

Blood test tomorrow. I hope the numbers are high :) it's starting to feel a little bit more real. Sooooo grateful, Sooo blessed.

Well............

I found another box of tests under my sink so I decided, "Why Not?!"


There were two lines this AM! And they show up better than the pictures show. Official test on Tue, but I'm feeling pretty good!!!

Oh and note to self, don't go on a boat on the ocean to see whales when you're feeling morning sickness. Not a good combo. But the whales were cool!

More Great News

1) My jeans don't fit today. Hahaha
2) My belly is bloated.
3) Feeling that carsick feeling off and on, it goes away when I eat, but comes back quickly.
4) I had bad nightmares last night (this was a definite pregnancy sign with Tori and Abbie)
5) I was told I have a sparkle in my eye today
6) lots of movement in the uterus area with twinges and cramps but not period type
7) Boobs hurt
8) I gagged taking my prenatal tonight, had to breathe deep for a minute to keep it all in.

So I'm pretty happy with these symptoms. Not sure what else there is left to feel except actually throwing up but I never did that with either one of my other pregnancies so I'm hoping that won't happen :)

Just hoping its not all in my head. It's kind of surreal. Been 8 years of trying and many months of false symptoms so it's hard to trust my body. And the fact that it's so early, if it's not in my head, I'm thinking good chance of twins...

Great News!

I fit into my old jeans again! No more water weight :) Hopefully I can retire these jeans in a month or two though, we'll see! Still waiting... Feeling weak, lightheaded, hot, and hungry... Nothing else to report though. I found out I only have one good pregnancy test left at home so I think I'm going to wait till maybe Sunday? We'll see...

Symptoms

Is it too early to be feeling symptoms? I think so... however, I totally feel unsettled in my stomach. Like eating or drinking anything just doesn't sound good. Strangely it makes me happy! I read a forum today that said that people could tell as early as 3 days past their transfer that they were pregnant with a pee test. That's TOMORROW! But it only shows up that quick if you have twins. I don't think I'm going to do it tomorrow... unless you'd like to donate to my pee stick fund. I'll take it if you buy it for me. But they're too expensive to start now. I think I'll wait till Friday or Saturday... but if I continue feeling sick, I may break. We'll see.

Burn the ships and No Plan B

Well, the embryologist called and started with "I have bad news..." my stomach flipped and I had to remember that my babies are already inside me :) she said the other two embryos didn't make it so they couldn't freeze them. I was relieved that that was the bad news but just her saying that still made me feel bad. After discussing with Brad how I felt about it, I told him I was sad that my Plan B is no longer an option. That it puts more pressure on it working this time. He said that we just need to trust and burn our ships and then I remembered one of my rules of thumb... "Brockbanks are NEVER Plan B". This rule of thumb is usually in regards to boys and that we never settle for a boy who doesn't love us most, but I'm going to go ahead and say this applies to our babies too for the sake of making me feel better. Our Plan A is going to work and now we won't have to decide what to do with them when we have twins and have our hands full. AND we'll use that money to pay for all the cute baby stuff we'll need :)... And maybe take the girls to Disneyland if I'm feeling up to it! I'm really excited about the thought of doing that with the girls before life completely changes in our family.

They finally emailed me the picture of my embryos. I don't really know much about why they look the way they do, I just know they said they were Grade A :) so I figure there's no other higher letter in the alphabet... They must be awesome. A is for Awesome! And Adorable!

I've been feeling small cramps today. I'm going to affirm that's my embies making a nice home in my warm and cozy tummy. Can I just say again how excited I am to feel them kick!!

Tips for bedrest...

Shower before it begins
Choose out some new movies to watch
Have your nails and toes manicured
Have lots of munchies handy
Magazines would help
Kindle
Don't eat as much as you usually do, when lying down your stomach holds food differently
Have your kids handy to be your slaves (or a friend or spouse)

Here we wait like birds in the wilderness...

Are you familiar with that song? It's a family favorite. One my sister and I used to sing frequently growing up.

The valium has left my body I'm pretty sure, I'm feeling back to normal. Why do people take drugs? I hate feeling not myself. So glad that the world stopped spinning.

I'm at home now. They said they're going to email me my picture of my embryos. I was a little disappointed I didn't get to take it home with me but they drugged me up so I wouldn't fight it. ;) So once I get my picture, I'll post it.

Everything went off without a hitch though, no problems at all. I took a long nap when I got home and now I'm beginning my feelings of bedrest... I think my family will be pretty tired of this bedrest thing pretty quickly. It's amazing how many things you want but can't get and I feel like a slave driver... And I've only been awake for like an hour.

Now that I'm finishing up with all this medication stuff they've had me on for a month, I'm going to try to drink and extra amount of water to clean out my liver and kidneys that have been working overtime with all these foreign things I've had to put in my body.

My pregnancy test is scheduled for 9/4. I will assuredly be taking a pee test prior to that, or ten, so don't you worry, you won't have to wait that long long to hear the results. I'm not one to wait longer than absolutely physically necessary for pretty much anything :).

4 have made it!

So they definitely have two good ones for me today!! Hooray! They told me that they will know tomorrow if the other two make it to freezing. And the other cool thing she said, is that if I did a frozen transfer next time I don't have to go through all shots, it's super easy, they just put it in me! So it's something to think about :) I'll leave that in the Lord's hands. I'm just so happy we have two good ones. I'll post a picture as soon as I can get one of our twins. Their first of many photo ops!

My appt was at 9:15 but still haven't done anything yet, still waiting. I took some valium. That should be fun!

They make you have a full bladder to do the transfer and I was really uncomfortable, she checked my bladder and said it was too full. So I was able to pee a cup's worth. Do you know how hard it is to stop mid pee? Well I did great :) I'm quite a talented pee stopper.

I'm so happy right now. I feel so blessed! It's finally here! Within an hour I'll be prego!!!

It all comes down to this...

I feel like its the last 10 seconds of the 4th quarter and the score is tied with the rival team. We have the ball and we're at the 10 yard line... And it all comes down to this last play. Will this be it? Will this work?

If it doesn't, there are no more plays left. This is it. So we hope, we pray, and we do everything right. And the rest we leave up to God. I can honestly say I've done all I can. I've taken every shot, swallowed every pill, eaten healthy, prayed diligently, read my scriptures every day... I can honestly say there is nothing I could have done better or harder. I've done it all. And so I put my trust in God that it's all up to him. After all, these children that come to earth are his. They are not ours. We are only stewards and tools in his hands to care for his children for however long we are blessed to do so.

I could easily say I'm a better Mom than many others in this world. I don't say that pridefully, its just a fact. But I'm positive that being a good Mom or parent is not what determines who gets blessed with babies and who doesn't. I wish it was.

I'm ready to accept my fate and the Lord's will. It's been quite a journey. Regardless of the outcome, I know that God lives, and that he loves me. And I accept his plan for me. Now let's go get this over with and find out the final score.

2 days and counting

Just got a call from the embryologist. She has a really cool British Accent. I asked them to call me today to update me on my babies. They apparently don't like doing that on Day 3 because they claim there is nothing to update you with and she seemed a tad bit annoyed, but I was grateful for the update nonetheless. She said of the 6 we have left, 3 are growing really really well and three are struggling a little. She said that there is still potential, but that we'll probably have 3 by Sunday. This is what they had told me on Wednesday as well, so I was expecting it, however I was hopeful I could be the exception. But alas, I am the typical. Which is better than the lower than average :). So anyway, my main thing is that I want two healthy embryos ready to grow in my tummy in 45 hours from now. Can you believe we're that close?

Right now I'm on a bunch of meds to prepare my body to take the embryos. It's totally crazy how much goes into this baby making process when 15 year olds do it on accident in the back of a car. But I am grateful for the blessing of science and I know God has control.

I was blessed to reconnect with an amazing man who has an amazing gift to do energy healing and kinesiology. He agreed to see me today and I feel so much more at peace knowing that he's going to help me get my body ready and in line and ready. What an amazing and timely blessing.

3 days and counting

I think I overdid myself yesterday. I just wanted to bounce back, and I was feeling okay physically, but emotionally I was struggling. It's so hard to wait. To know that anything could happen. To make it this far and realize that its not in my control. I've done my shots, I've done my meds, I've done everything I can do, and just to think that I did it all for nothing if it doesn't work is more than I can think of right now... SO I'm not going to think of that right now. It's going to work. Everything I've felt and done and the direction I've taken, I KNOW I'm supposed to do this. And so I just have to trust. But it's really hard when its so close, yet so out of my control. I took a nap yesterday and a shower, and that helped. And I finished another book, I like reading. I haven't had any time to read in the last 8-10 years, so it's been fun to force myself to relax and read a book. I can imagine that after that transfer, the waiting won't be any better than it is right now. I gotta stay busy, but not stressed. Good luck with that :).

Embryologist Called

Well, the much anticipated call happened this morning... they retrieved 12 eggs, only 10 were mature, and only 6 of them fertilized. I'm not really sure why when they do ICSI, and they put the sperm into the eggs, why some wouldn't fertilize, but that's alright, we still have enough. Way better than them saying that none of them did or only a few, so I'm grateful that we're still on track and it's going to be okay. We may not have any to freeze, as they had told me before may be the case, but at this point, I'm okay with that. It would be nice to freeze some just in case this doesn't work, or if we end up with just one baby and decide in a year to have another, but I'd kind of like to be done with all of this honestly, and especially when it comes to my wallet. So I'm just going to trust that it's happening how its supposed to happen and be grateful for 6 and hope that 2-4 will make it to day five. If we have 3, then we'll take the best two and won't freeze the other one. If we have 4 or more, we'll freeze the ones we don't use. So everyone pray for healthy baby embryos. It's kind of weird to think that my little petri babies are forming right now. I'm imagining them multiplying and multiplying. What do you think of the baby names Petri and Petra? Hahaha, jk. I'm including a picture of what embryos look like day to day. So today is considered day one, yesterday was considered day 0.

Hard part is over

Well I'm done with the hard part. They got a whole dozen eggs. :) never felt more like a chicken. I was disappointed to find out that my follicles fill right back up so the swelling and bloated feeling won't go away for another 2 weeks or so. But that's alright. Hopefully by then I'll be bloated from babies!

The anesthesiologist was fantastic! I told them I had bad veins because of all the blood I've had taken so the nurse had the anesthesiologist do the IV and it went in super easy! I was so grateful.

I'm feeling campy but nothing bad and I'm excited to think my little babies are being created today! Im going to read and cuddle with my girls today and get back to my normal self by tomorrow.

Sunday at 9:15 will be my transfer day. So that'll be the first day of my next big chapter of life. I'm feeling so grateful, I've been so blessed by my Heavenly Father. He loves me so much.

All Shot Up

Well, I'm done with shots. Did my last Lupron shot at 9 and my trigger HCG shot at exactly 9:30 on the dot. I am including a picture of the inside of my sharps container. It's pretty awesome. I'm so proud of myself for getting through 3 weeks and one day of shots. Not one tear shed and not one curse word said. I even managed to make it through without any emotional breakdowns! I almost cried at a wedding yesterday, and I was mad at Brad maybe twice... (I think for good reason but he blames hormones) so I think we made it through really well. It went by really fast, yet really slow. I'm really ready to be done with the whole process, but it hardly feels like its been 3 weeks since I started shots.

So I'll go in Tuesday AM for the retrieval, and a week from today I'll be prego! I'm so excited! It doesn't even feel real though. But it will soon...

Counting my eggs before they hatch

I thought up that funny title this morning, had to share it with everyone. So today we did the same appointment we have every other day this last week. But this time they measured my follicles and they were huge! And ready! Yep! I'm ready. Woo Hoo! I take my trigger shot TONIGHT and go in on Tuesday at 7:45am to give them my eggs. And then they put the little spermies in the eggs on Tue and the baby making begins!!!

I only have to do 3 shots tonight and I'm done with shots! Woo Hoo!

Change of appointment

Nurse called me today at 4 and said to keep with the same meds but change my appointment to Sunday instead of Saturday. I'm not going to lie, I was a little disappointed. But that's ok. Less blood taking. So I'll update you after my appointment on Sunday. My stomach is getting more and more bloated by the hour. It's pretty crazy. Not sure I'm going to be very comfortable tomorrow... Or Sunday... Or Monday. I'm hoping on Sunday they'll tell me to take my HCG Shot and then we'll do the procedure on Tue AM. I'm guessing that'll be the case. We'll see...

Getting Closer!!!

Today I had another appointment to check my follicles and blood levels. They haven't called me back yet with the results from the blood levels, but based on the size of my follicles, they said they want to see me tomorrow AM at 7:30. So that's a great step in the right direction. My largest follicle is over 17, whatever that means?? I think I have like 8 or so that are good sized, and a few smaller ones, but for some reason I'm not concerned about that. I feel peace that it is how it is supposed to be. I have been thinking today though how close I'm getting and how real it's becoming. I haven't put a whole lot of thought until today about the fact that in a few days I'm having surgery, like they're actually knocking me out with IV and sedation and all that jazz. I read some other chic's blog about how she was in a lot of pain when she woke up. That made me nervous because I HATE waking up from anesthesia. I was thinking it wouldn't be a big deal since it's only like a 25 min procedure, but I'll talk to the doctor and anesthesia doctor about how I'd like to get the anti-nausea medicine and to give me as much pain medication as they can so that I'm good. I just hate being nauseated, that's the worst. I think based on today's appointment and going in tomorrow that I may have purchased too much medication. I'm a little frustrated about that because we really need to save the money for school stuff, but it is what it is. My sister in law is doing in vitro in a month, so I'll see if I can sell it to her for a discount :). So that I can recoup some of our costs. It's really getting close though, I'm so happy to feel like I'm in the home stretch. I just pray and hope that everything goes perfectly with my eggs and the spermies and them becoming little embryos and staying alive for 5 days in a petri dish. The worse thing would be to have nothing to put back in me after we've been through all of this. But I will trust in the Lord, that he will make whatever happen that needs to. We're going to the temple tomorrow for our friend's wedding, I think it'll be good to be able to do that with all these events happening, and be able to feel some more peace. I was thinking today as I was driving to my appointment about what if this doesn't work, etc... and I remembered that about 2 months before I started everything I was ready to throw in the towel. I had a huge emotional breakdown and freaked out about all the tests and shots and was ready to quit. I prayed and fasted and went to the temple in search of the feeling that I could quit, and I came out with a resolve to be brave and to continue forward. So I know that I was ready and willing to call it quits and looking for God's approval in that, and he sent me back with courage and bravery and resolve to do this. So I will trust that I'm doing what's right and he has complete control. In starting this whole process, I really had a struggle with understanding science vs. God's will and how they intertwine. Why if it was his will that I get pregnant, why I have to use science? And does Science really involve God a whole lot. But going through this process I can see that God's hand is in all science. Every shot that I take, every emotion that I feel, every appointment that I go to, and every progress that I make, I know that he is in charge of it all. I know that he's in control and frankly, I just do what I'm told and trust. It's all about trusting. I did some EFT (Emotional Freedom Therapy) in the beginning of the year and learned something that has truly changed my life. Arden Compton lives in Brigham City, and I consider him one of the best EFT Specialists. He helped me understand how Satan works to discourage us and how to understand our feelings and promptings. He had us get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side we wrote God at the top, and on the right side we wrote Satan. And then we drew a line underneath it. And then we wrote feelings and emotions under each. On the left side under "God" we wrote words like confidence, happiness, peace, understanding, light, knowledge, resolve, comfort... and on the right side under "Satan" we wrote words like fear, worry, concern, unsurity, anger, sadness, etc. And he said that any time you feel these feelings, you can know who is giving them to you. If we were supposed to be done having children, we would have felt the feelings on the left side of the page. Feelings of peace, happiness, confidence, etc. And any time that we feel doubt, we can know that it's Satan giving us those feelings. So that has really helped me as I make decisions. I come to God in prayer, asking him if my decision is correct, and then I know based on my feelings what I should do. Whenever I felt anger and frustration and doubt and loss of hope, I knew that Satan was working on me to just give up, and so I had a new resolve to not let him win, and to follow all of those promptings that I've had that we still need to try. That hope, that peace, and that feeling that I need to have more faith, those are all from God. So I trust him :). I'll keep you updated on how my appointment goes tomorrow. Thanks for reading!

Update

Got a call from the nurse with my blood results, she said they were great and to cancel the Sat appt and come in on Friday. Hooray! I'm excited to hear it was better than they expected. I just hope I didn't buy too much medication because you can't return it. I'll let you know how Friday goes...

Pin Cushion

Well, I officially feel like a human pin cushion. Maybe I already said that, but I do. I'm doing pretty well though. Today's blood taking didn't hurt as bad as it did the last few times, so that was good. And this morning's Menopur dosage hurt the least of the other times, still hurt like a banshee, but not as bad as before. I had my AM appointment. We were a little late because of traffic, I hate being late. But the office was super nice about it. My follicles are growing, still not a ton of them, but they're growing nicely. I can definitely feel that my ovaries/uterus and all that stuff down there is swollen, I'm wearing pj pants today because I've graduated from my skinny waist jeans and they just can't be worn comfortably anymore. I figure that's probably going to be the case till baby/babies are born. The great news though is that my doctor's office had some extra medication that people donated when they didn't need all of theirs, and so I got almost $700 worth of medication for FREE!!!! I'm so happy about that. It definitely helps when I'm having to take shots about 3 days longer than I had expected, so I spent another $400 on medications today on the one they didn't have extra of, but at least I saved about $700 :). Next appointment is on Saturday to check my progress. I asked my Doc what day he thought the retrieval may happen and he said next Tuesday maybe? I'm hoping on Saturday that I'll have made lots of progress and they tell me we can do it on Monday, that'd be really nice :). we'll see... Brad said, "What's four more days, that's not a big deal." Since I was hoping we'd be able to do it this weekend. I said that it is a big deal for me, 4 days is 12 extra shots! 14 if you count the getting blood taken, and I'm just anxious for it all to be done. He said, "Oh, that's true, that was insensitive of me. I'm sorry." I'm glad he listens and understands, he's been really good through all of this. I'm so grateful for him.

Onward

My appt went well today. Not as many follicles/eggs as they were hoping, but enough to work. He said 7-10. I'm not going to worry about it because God is in control. And I will trust that my body is doing exactly what he wants it to do. Dr. said we probably won't have any to freeze and I'm actually okay with that if it ends up that way. Less money, less hassle. Next appointment is on Wed. We should know a lot more on Wed as far as when everything will take place. Keep praying for me!!

Pin cushion

When I took my injection class the lady said that by the time I'm done I may feel like a pin cushion... She was partly wrong. I'm not even close to done and I feel like a pin cushion. The three shots a day thing is starting to get old. And I just started that yesterday!! My tummy is sore. I'm not sure if it's bruised or if it's the medicine making the muscles sore? But Tori kept elbowing me in the tummy today on accident at the fair and it really hurt. Any pressure on it hurts. But it's not THAT bad. It's worth it of course.

One more thing

I'm most excited to feel the baby/babies kick. I think I'll cry when I do because I'll be so happy. I can't wait!!

What a dooozy

Okay, so today was the first day of real shots. I can say real shots now because apparently the other shot I was taking each night doesn't even count as a "real" shot compared to the ones today. This morning I woke up and was like, "It's FRIDAY!" The day I've been waiting for, the day we get to the real good stuff... so Brad and I "discussed" the technique for putting together the first shot. You have to change needles and mix this liquid with this powder, etc etc., and what I remembered was different from the directions, so anyway, we finally figured it out. I iced up my stomach and looked away and Brad gave me the new shot and let's just say, I was surprised. And a little disappointed, that it wasn't as pain free as the other shot. It burned. I survived, and I didn't cry, but let's just say tomorrow morning I'm not looking forward to that one. You could see the lump of medication where you put it in, and you could watch it spread. It was a little gross. And I think the difference is that there is about 10x the medication as the other one, and also that the medication stings. Still, I will say it's not as bad as getting your blood taken, but it was close.

So today I think I was having hot flashes. Either that or all the sudden 74 degrees is sweat worthy weather? And I never sweat. It was really weird. Anyway, so then tonight I had to do two shots. The one I've been doing for the last 1 1/2 weeks, only half the dosage, and then this new one. It's totally complicated and intimidating, but I went through the directions step by step and totally conquered it, and said a prayer, and stabbed myself, and I didn't even feel it! Hooray! I'm so glad I was able to do it by myself and that it didn't hurt. What a blessing.  Anyway, so the last shot that there is that I haven't tried yet is the HCG Trigger Shot I take the day before the Retrieval, hopefully next weekend :). But I don't expect it to be that bad, and if it is, at least I won't know till it's too late and won't have to do it again!

We're going to do a day of prayer and fasting on Sunday if you'd like to join us, I'd be really grateful, and frankly quite honored. I've been a little overwhelmed with the kindness and love and support that everyone has given me. I think that a lot of people are quiet about doing In Vitro, for a number of reasons. Probably because if it doesn't work, they don't want everyone to know, and perhaps they don't want to have people judge them? I think times have changed a lot and people don't look down on fertility procedures anymore. I haven't heard anything negative about it except the cost and the pain... but I decided that I was going to just put it out there and not keep it a secret. The more people that are thinking good thoughts my way, the better my chances are :). So anyway, thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. Thank you for your prayers.  I'll update you on Monday with my appointment details if I don't update you again before that. Good night!

Suppression Check

Today's appointment went well. The biggest part of it was that I paid. The majority of it all has been paid now and it's a huge relief and also a huge feeling of "this better work." But I still feel really good about everything. I also paid for the majority of my medicines. I decided to only buy enough until next Wednesday because sometimes they have leftovers from other ladies doing In Vitro that donate their medicines, and sometimes they can get a little extra out of the viles that I use each day and combine them so that I don't have to buy more. Each day of medications is hundreds of dollars, and you can't return them. So I'm going to try to get it exact on and I'd rather drive to Portland and buy them daily (not that I'll have to but if I did), than to buy a bunch extra and throw them away. I'd rather spend that money on maternity clothes :). So all I have left to pay for is any remaining medicine I need, the anesthesia for the transfer ($567) and freezing any left over embryos, which is $1295, and that isn't due until September. So we're getting there :). Today they said everything looks perfect, just as expected. They only counted 7 follicles on the right and 6 on the left, so I was a little disappointed I didn't have more, but they said it was normal, and that more may grow with the new shots I start taking on Friday. So basically I've been taking Lupron, which is a suppressing medication since 7/29. Now I'll start 2 more medications on Friday which are Menopur and Follistim. And take those for like 7-10 days, not sure how many, it will depend on how my body reacts to them. But I'm going to affirm my body will react perfectly and exactly how it's supposed to be and I can save hundreds of dollars because it's going to go perfectly :). Anyway, that's my update. I'll probably update you on Friday to let you know how the other two shots go, and then on Monday with the new appointment. Thanks for reading.

Listening to the Spirit

Sometimes following the Spirit isn't easy. Throughout my Journey of Infertility, it would have been much easier to give up and move on. Even recently as we've been saving up our money for this procedure, I've been filled with ideas of other ways we could spend it.

Seriously though, I've really had an internal struggle trying to figure out why I have felt such an emptiness and feeling of being incomplete. We've tried for 7 1/2 years, we've been willing and waiting, yearning, and praying... But still no results. I tried many times to decide that we're done. After all, there are many benefits to be empty nesters at the age of 42 and be finished with diapers, midnight feedings, potty training, etc. etc. if I were an onlooker I would think I was nuts to start my family all over again. But there has always been this feeling, from the time Abbie was just weeks old, that there are more to come. And even though it's the much harder route to take, I feel peace and resolve that it is the correct route to take, against all logic.

The way I look at it, when the day comes that I return to my Heavenly Father, I want nothing more for him to be proud of me. Even if I finish this mortal existence with two children and living a righteous life and having a happy and eternal marriage, I won't regret going through what I'm doing right now. But if I showed up not having done everything that I could do. Not exercising every last drop of hope and faith that I could muster amongst every tear and feeling of failure that I've felt and if I had given up before I did everything I could, if I met my Heavenly Father and he asked me why I didn't try my best? That would be an eternal state of misery for me. To know that I fell short of something I was guided to do. That I settled for the easier path because I didn't want to deal with the pain and failure. I would hate to meet Charlie in the afterlife and try to explain to him that I gave up. And so I haven't. And I won't.

That is not to say if this doesn't work I'll keep trying till I die, that won't happen. I'm doing this round once. And if we have some embryos to freeze, we will. And if the first round doesn't work, we'll use those frozen ones. And if there aren't frozen ones or those don't work, then I will trust that Heavenly Father has a different plan for me. And I'll know that Heavenly Fathers plan is perfect, and although I may not understand it, I will trust that if I follow the Spirit, no matter how hard it is at times, in the end, I will find greater happiness than if I take the easy route, or my plan.

But I have confidence that this is going to work. I feel great peace and hope and faith. I feel Heavenly Father is pleased with me that we aren't going into debt for this, that we've sacrificed so much, and I know we'll be blessed.

Abbie's Baptism

Today Abbie got baptized. It was so special. I felt the spirit so strong and I knew that there were other people beyond the veil that were able to witness the amazing event as well.

Every birthday since Abbie was about 3, I have had a really hard time with. Knowing that she was getting older and we weren't having more babies. The day of her birthday always seemed like a reminder of our infertility and this year, although I did have the thought, I also felt peace and happiness knowing that this was it... She will still be eight when we have another child. And that I don't need to be sad anymore. Although my plan was not to wait eight years, I know Heavenly Father's plan for me is way better than mine. So I trust.

Ice Ice Baby

So turns out ice really helps! I didn't feel a thing except how painful the ice on the tummy is! So if you can stand ice, definitely go that way. I didn't feel it at all today! Hooray!!

I'm doing really well emotionally and getting excited. When I woke up today, realizing it's already August, it was a little surreal. This is the month!!!

Backfire...

Well, I got the shot all ready and say there staring at the needle right next to my stomach, so I got up the nerve while waiting for Brad to do it myself. It hurt. I'm not as good at giving them to myself as Brad is at giving them to me. But I was so proud of myself, I walked down the stairs and told him, "You snooze, you lose." Turns out he wasn't happy I did it myself. He wanted to give them to me on the days that he's home at 9. I said, "Aren't you so proud of me?" He gave me a fake smile. I felt bad. I didn't realize he liked inflicting pain on me so much. No, for real though, I think he felt like he could help with these and I wasn't letting him do his job. Ooops. Well, lesson learned.

I only have 2 more days of Birth Control left, and 17 or so more days of shots. Then I'm totally done with the hard part. After the retrieval and transfer, I don't have to take any more shots :). I'm so happy about that.

Day 2 of Injections

I was going to play a trick on Brad today and when he gave me a shot pretend to freak out and scream and such... But I decided it was too early for that. It would probably knock all his shot giving confidence away... But I prepared the shot and cleaned my skin and pinched where I wanted and then he walked in and I gave him the shot and he stabbed me. It hurt more this time. He said its because of how I was pinching my skin. I think it's because he did it slower... Who knows. It really wasn't that bad though. Giving blood hurts 10x more than these shots.

I've been surprised a little bit with how relaxed and ready I am for all of this. I'm sure God is assisting me in feeling peace. I've been working extra hard at not allowing stress in my life. Saying No to extra projects, not trying to fit in so many things, etc. I've been reading books more, and that has helped a lot. I'm not sure if Brad is enjoying the laid back, relaxed, don't do anything stressful me. But he'll get what he can take. :) I'm trying to keep my house clean and not let it get overwhelming because that is a huge source of stress, when it gets super dirty.

I created a chart that shows how many days of the process, how many shots of each medicine, etc. that way each night I can check off a day. It's a nice way to feel like I'm making progress and getting closer to the end result.

Day 1 of Injections

Well, I did it. I got my first official shot. I will be honest, I wish I could say that I was tough and said something like "Just shoot me!" and let him do it right away... But for some reason I was a total wimp! I psyched myself out. I kept pushing his arm away and laughing at myself because I knew it didn't hurt that bad, but I think staring at the needle didn't help. So I looked away and it took him literally less than one second and I was done. And then I was reminded that they really don't hurt. I could barely tell he did it. But I will say the Lupron I took has a little sting to it after the fact.

So only 40 or so more shots... There are a lot of pills to take too and everything has a time, so I'll be attached to my phone and handy alarms I set out for the next 3 weeks :)

Here's to Charlie...

The plan

So We took our last tests and everything is good to go... Hurry up and wait. I'm waiting for my next period, then I start Birth Control, then injections around July 29th. Then we'll get the eggs around August 19th, and then the transfer around Aug 23rd.

I'm super excited that I spoke to the pharmacy and the cost of my injections are about $1000 less than I thought it would be! And the billing gal said the ultrasounds and blood tests at the end are all included in the price they gave me which makes me happy too! I'm so excited to get this going :)

Here's to Charlie...

New Calendar... Here we go!

Well I got my calendar, I'm so excited! This is really happening! So I should start BC on 7/15, and start injections on 7/29... Then I should be doing the retrieval around 8/19, and transfer around 8/22 or 8/25. That means in two months I'll be pregnant! Only one more period! Hallefreakinlujia.

I feel very confident that this is what God wants us to do, and I'm so grateful that I'm at this point... If I could fast-forward the next two months I totally would though :)

Here's to Charlie...

How it all began

I find it interesting how emotion can hide around any corner you aren't really expecting. You think you're fine and brave and then all the sudden it hits you like a load of bricks when you least expect it. That happens a few times a year. It happened again this February, but let me start from the beginning.

We got married in May of 2001. We got pregnant with Tori in December of 2001, had her in September. About a year or so after she was born, we started trying for another. We got pregnant 6 months later in October 2003 with Abbie, had her in July 2004. Within a few months of having Abbie, I felt very strongly like there was a little spirit waiting to come to our family. I was surprised, as Abbie was so young, but I couldn't shake the feeling of the presence around me, like a toddler tugging at my leg. So I stopped breastfeeding Abbie at about 5 1/2 months so we could start trying again because I felt so strongly about it...

Fast forward about a year later and we thought it was very odd that we weren't pregnant yet. I had a dream one night. It was so vivid, I'd probably consider it a vision, but I was asleep at the time, so we'll just call it a dream. In this dream I was holding a cute little baby boy. He was probably 10 months or so and had the cutest dimples in the world (next to Brad's). I was trying to figure out where this little boy came from when he started talking to me. It shocked me, since he was too young to talk, but he explained to me that he was so excited to come and talk to me and begged Heavenly Father to let him come and tell me and Heavenly Father kept telling him no, no, you can't tell them yet, but he begged him and begged him and finally Heavenly Father let him come tell me that he was coming to our family and couldn't wait to be a part of it! I laughed because it seemed so much like me, that I can't wait to tell people things, and always want to know what's happening, etc. etc. He said, "And you need to name me Charlie." I said to him, "I don't like that name, I'm not calling you Charlie." And he said, "Yes, you have to call me Charlie." I said... "I'll think about it." And then I put him down, he crawled away. There were a few other things that happened in the dream that weren't very relevant, but I knew those dimples were Brad's, and I knew his name was Charlie, and that he was mine...

I've had several confirmations by the Holy Ghost that that dream was not just a random dream, but it had significance.

So we went to the Doctor a year later. The doctor decided to test Brad. So when the tests came back, this is what he said, "Well, yep it's definitely you. I hope you weren't planning on having a large family because there's no way you'll get pregnant with these results." Yeah, he actually said that. I was shocked. My whole vision of my life and how I had planned it pretty much shattered at that point.

Since then we've gone to about 5 doctors, all of which say that it is Brad and that all they can do is In Vitro, nothing else to do.

We've done an IUI once by that same lame doctor whom I found out later didn't have a clue what he was doing. Lame. We've done numerous acupuncture, pills, diets, EFT, pretty much everything I've heard, we've done...except In Vitro.

The first few years we were broke, and I was somewhat patient. There's been a few years where I was determined to do something but something would get in the way, whether it was a move or lack of money or fear or just feeling like we were doomed to not have any more children. But in the back of my mind, I kept seeing Charlie smiling at me, so excited to come to our family and I knew that if I gave up, I was letting him down.

I know it's very possible that I won't get pregnant. Maybe Charlie came and I miscarried early? Maybe Charlie will come in the next life. But my main reason for doing In Vitro this year, is that I want to know that the day that I stand in front of God, I can say to him, that I did everything I could. That I didn't ignore all those promptings, visions, dreams, inspirations, and feelings, that I tried all that I could do, to do his will.

But its been 90 months of roller coasters. 90 failures. 90 Day 1's. I hate Day 1, can I just say that? It's the worst day of the month. It is filled with failure and cramps and blood and loss of hope. But then by Day 5 I usually feel like I can try again. For some reason or another.

I know that Brad and I are blessed beyond belief with two beautiful girls. We say a prayer of gratitude every day for them. I feel like its hard to talk to anyone about my situation because most of those going through it have no kids, so they think I'm crazy for feeling so sad and depressed when I already have two and I can't say I don't agree. And usually everyone says, "Well at least you have two." But it doesn't take away the emptiness that I feel constantly.

I just want to feel whole and move on with the next chapter of my life. I hate the fact that Abbie is almost 8 and having another child, maybe even twins, will totally change our life. I love sleeping, and I love the fact that my children can feed themselves, dress themselves, and even wipe their own bums. To start this whole process all over again is completely crazy. I have no idea why I'm doing this. I guess I do, its for Charlie. But seriously, I don't understand why I couldn't have Charlie 6 years ago. He'd be in school, and we'd pretty much be where we are right now, only "complete".

But alas, apparently there's some sort of lesson I have to learn, and although it seems like the only lesson I'm going to learn is how much needles hurt and how much I don't miss diapers, I will do this anyway because I feel like this is what the Lord wants me to do, and so I will go and do. Even if it hurts, and is extremely inconvenient.

I understand that we all have our own journey, and that my journey is completely different than others. And I'm so incredibly grateful that my huge trial is infertility. Honestly, Brad and I were talking about how we were in the pre-existance and were picking our big trial and we decided this would be a great one for us since we could get lots of "practice" while trying to overcome our trial. Seriously, what trial is there that's better than this for a marriage? I'm not complaining about that. I'd rather this than other trails for sure. But I'm ready to give it my all and see what happens. I just hope that its not in vain. I hope that I'm not delusional. And I hope that by the end of this I don't become delusional.


So fast forward to a few months ago. After Brad and I decided that 2012 was our year. We'd give it our all and however it turns out, we'll accept God's will. We went to a specialist, hoping that he'd say lets do 3 IUI's and then if those don't work, we'll do In Vitro. Unfortunately the tests came back for Brad from 6 million count from last time a year or so ago down to just 1 million. So he said doing IUIs would be a complete waste, and we need to do In Vitro. I pretty much freaked out. Had an anxiety attack/panic attack and started bawling on the way home. I really didn't want it to come down to this. I thought 5 years ago that when it was the Lord's timing, he'd just bless us with a baby. Why wouldn't he? If he wanted it to happen it would happen. I felt like what's the point of doing In Vitro, because if he wanted us to get pregnant, it would happen regardless of how. But I've learned since February that this is what he wants us to do, for some unknown reason, and he's prepared a way for us to do it, so here we go... this is for Charlie.

Well, I started testing for this whole process. They took my blood on Tuesday and did the same lame ultrasound they always do, saying everything looks great and giving me a ridiculous bill for it. I'm a bit concerned about costs right now, worried that I'm going to come out short. At the beginning of the year Brad and I decided this was the year that we would try everything, and if things don't work out, we move on. So I've been saving up every last penny for In Vitro so that we can do everything we can do and with all these stupid tests, I'm worried that it's going to come down to the last wire and we'll have to postpone.I'm tired of waiting, I just want it to be over with. I just want to know the end of the story and how it turns out. I hate not knowing. But I guess that's where the faith is supposed to come into play.I have more tests on Friday. I guess it's a different type of ultrasound and a fake embryo transfer. I can't figure out why they have to do all these tests when we know I've had 2 kids and the problem is Brad, not me, but alas, I hope it results in a baby. If not, I hope the doctor enjoys a nice expensive trip to Europe with my donations.I found out yesterday my thyroid is low. That doesn't make sense since I only weigh 106 lbs and I look like my thyroid works on overtime. But I have to take some pills for it until after I have a baby I think. I hope it gives me more energy and doesn't effect my weight at all. I'm happy with how much I weigh.I'll let you know how the next tests go. I do know they're $600. Monday's tests were $520. First consult and semen analysis was $485 I believe. Then I did an HSG test and that was $420. This baby better support me when I'm old and gray...

I'm excited to get this blog going again, stay tuned for daily updates :)