How it all began

I find it interesting how emotion can hide around any corner you aren't really expecting. You think you're fine and brave and then all the sudden it hits you like a load of bricks when you least expect it. That happens a few times a year. It happened again this February, but let me start from the beginning.

We got married in May of 2001. We got pregnant with Tori in December of 2001, had her in September. About a year or so after she was born, we started trying for another. We got pregnant 6 months later in October 2003 with Abbie, had her in July 2004. Within a few months of having Abbie, I felt very strongly like there was a little spirit waiting to come to our family. I was surprised, as Abbie was so young, but I couldn't shake the feeling of the presence around me, like a toddler tugging at my leg. So I stopped breastfeeding Abbie at about 5 1/2 months so we could start trying again because I felt so strongly about it...

Fast forward about a year later and we thought it was very odd that we weren't pregnant yet. I had a dream one night. It was so vivid, I'd probably consider it a vision, but I was asleep at the time, so we'll just call it a dream. In this dream I was holding a cute little baby boy. He was probably 10 months or so and had the cutest dimples in the world (next to Brad's). I was trying to figure out where this little boy came from when he started talking to me. It shocked me, since he was too young to talk, but he explained to me that he was so excited to come and talk to me and begged Heavenly Father to let him come and tell me and Heavenly Father kept telling him no, no, you can't tell them yet, but he begged him and begged him and finally Heavenly Father let him come tell me that he was coming to our family and couldn't wait to be a part of it! I laughed because it seemed so much like me, that I can't wait to tell people things, and always want to know what's happening, etc. etc. He said, "And you need to name me Charlie." I said to him, "I don't like that name, I'm not calling you Charlie." And he said, "Yes, you have to call me Charlie." I said... "I'll think about it." And then I put him down, he crawled away. There were a few other things that happened in the dream that weren't very relevant, but I knew those dimples were Brad's, and I knew his name was Charlie, and that he was mine...

I've had several confirmations by the Holy Ghost that that dream was not just a random dream, but it had significance.

So we went to the Doctor a year later. The doctor decided to test Brad. So when the tests came back, this is what he said, "Well, yep it's definitely you. I hope you weren't planning on having a large family because there's no way you'll get pregnant with these results." Yeah, he actually said that. I was shocked. My whole vision of my life and how I had planned it pretty much shattered at that point.

Since then we've gone to about 5 doctors, all of which say that it is Brad and that all they can do is In Vitro, nothing else to do.

We've done an IUI once by that same lame doctor whom I found out later didn't have a clue what he was doing. Lame. We've done numerous acupuncture, pills, diets, EFT, pretty much everything I've heard, we've done...except In Vitro.

The first few years we were broke, and I was somewhat patient. There's been a few years where I was determined to do something but something would get in the way, whether it was a move or lack of money or fear or just feeling like we were doomed to not have any more children. But in the back of my mind, I kept seeing Charlie smiling at me, so excited to come to our family and I knew that if I gave up, I was letting him down.

I know it's very possible that I won't get pregnant. Maybe Charlie came and I miscarried early? Maybe Charlie will come in the next life. But my main reason for doing In Vitro this year, is that I want to know that the day that I stand in front of God, I can say to him, that I did everything I could. That I didn't ignore all those promptings, visions, dreams, inspirations, and feelings, that I tried all that I could do, to do his will.

But its been 90 months of roller coasters. 90 failures. 90 Day 1's. I hate Day 1, can I just say that? It's the worst day of the month. It is filled with failure and cramps and blood and loss of hope. But then by Day 5 I usually feel like I can try again. For some reason or another.

I know that Brad and I are blessed beyond belief with two beautiful girls. We say a prayer of gratitude every day for them. I feel like its hard to talk to anyone about my situation because most of those going through it have no kids, so they think I'm crazy for feeling so sad and depressed when I already have two and I can't say I don't agree. And usually everyone says, "Well at least you have two." But it doesn't take away the emptiness that I feel constantly.

I just want to feel whole and move on with the next chapter of my life. I hate the fact that Abbie is almost 8 and having another child, maybe even twins, will totally change our life. I love sleeping, and I love the fact that my children can feed themselves, dress themselves, and even wipe their own bums. To start this whole process all over again is completely crazy. I have no idea why I'm doing this. I guess I do, its for Charlie. But seriously, I don't understand why I couldn't have Charlie 6 years ago. He'd be in school, and we'd pretty much be where we are right now, only "complete".

But alas, apparently there's some sort of lesson I have to learn, and although it seems like the only lesson I'm going to learn is how much needles hurt and how much I don't miss diapers, I will do this anyway because I feel like this is what the Lord wants me to do, and so I will go and do. Even if it hurts, and is extremely inconvenient.

I understand that we all have our own journey, and that my journey is completely different than others. And I'm so incredibly grateful that my huge trial is infertility. Honestly, Brad and I were talking about how we were in the pre-existance and were picking our big trial and we decided this would be a great one for us since we could get lots of "practice" while trying to overcome our trial. Seriously, what trial is there that's better than this for a marriage? I'm not complaining about that. I'd rather this than other trails for sure. But I'm ready to give it my all and see what happens. I just hope that its not in vain. I hope that I'm not delusional. And I hope that by the end of this I don't become delusional.


So fast forward to a few months ago. After Brad and I decided that 2012 was our year. We'd give it our all and however it turns out, we'll accept God's will. We went to a specialist, hoping that he'd say lets do 3 IUI's and then if those don't work, we'll do In Vitro. Unfortunately the tests came back for Brad from 6 million count from last time a year or so ago down to just 1 million. So he said doing IUIs would be a complete waste, and we need to do In Vitro. I pretty much freaked out. Had an anxiety attack/panic attack and started bawling on the way home. I really didn't want it to come down to this. I thought 5 years ago that when it was the Lord's timing, he'd just bless us with a baby. Why wouldn't he? If he wanted it to happen it would happen. I felt like what's the point of doing In Vitro, because if he wanted us to get pregnant, it would happen regardless of how. But I've learned since February that this is what he wants us to do, for some unknown reason, and he's prepared a way for us to do it, so here we go... this is for Charlie.