Finding Peace

Originally written February, 2019 but forgot to post.

It's been a while. I have been through a lot. These last few years have been the most trying for sure, but they've been the most building and strengthening. Like a refiner's fire, or the potter's clay, I have been molded and burned over and over so much that at one point, I gave up. I saw a post today from Brene Brown, one of my favorite authors:

"The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or acceptable, but our wholeness-even our wholeheartedness-actually depends on our integration of all our experiences including the falls."-Brene Brown

After doing In Vitro and having my miracle boy, Charlie almost 6 years ago, I went through years of trying for one more. A miscarriage, and many ups and downs. Counseling, Self-Reflection, Blessings, Prayers, times of being happy and content, and times where I couldn't think of anything else but wanting what I couldn't have and yet everyone I know somehow gets exactly that thing, even when they don't want it at all.

In the last 4 1/2 years I have become a very different person than I was prior to having Charlie. I have found peace and joy, and at one point after every possible attempt, and every possible failure, I felt completely broken and I gave up. I had to. I had no choice. I was humbled more than I ever thought I could be and I had no choice but to turn it over to God because there is one thing I absolutely will not do, and that is 'be unhappy'. I refuse. I don't care what it takes, I refuse to be miserable. I allowed myself to grieve, I allowed myself to feel. There were many days of unhappiness. But I'm talking about long-term. I just won't allow that darkness in my life because I love the light.

So after multiple failed IVF attempts and every supplement, crazy diet change, prescription drug, hundreds of shots, and every fertility procedure that is known to man... I decided to find peace in my life and move on. I have three children (two naturally conceived, one IVF) and I know I am a blessed and although I didn't feel like our family was "complete" I knew I had done everything that I could possibly do, both physically and spiritually, and that's all that God expects. Our best. And honestly, there was nothing left to try. So I closed that chapter in my life.

I started making a list of all of the things I'm grateful for, all the blessings in my life, all the opportunities that I've had through this journey, all of the opportunities that I will have, not having another baby, and the great things I could accomplish with this future. My children are all in school now, I have an incredible career, I can focus on creating memories with my family, and reaching goals I never thought would be possible for me. Discovering that my potential and happiness as a strong, capable, and confident woman does not directly relate to the size of my family or the fruitfulness of my loins.

There have been many years in my journey that I have stopped trying, that I have been content with what I had, and I was open to whatever God wanted, so when people told me to "stop trying" all I felt was "you don't understand". There are so many things people say to try to empathize or understand but nobody really knows what you're going through. Every situation is different, and depending on where you're at in the journey, or the time of the month, comments like that can be so painful.

I had to set boundaries and know my limits. For example, I found that I cannot go to baby showers. I was asked in the midst of my struggle, to throw a baby shower for a friend of mine. I ended up in the bathroom with my first panic attack that day, and I realized that I was not in an emotional state to plan a party for someone else's success while I was struggling with my own grief. Even after we successfully had Charlie on year 8 of our 14 years of infertility, I tried one more time at a baby shower for a friend that had twins and I once again, found myself having to leave early. It just set off an emotional response. And so I decided that for me, baby showers were off-limits. And that's okay.

Each day is different, each month and year is different, and you just have to do what's best for yourself, not what everyone else expects you to do. I had close family members telling me to give up, my desire for more was asking too much of God. I had other close family members telling me to never give up, to keep trying every month, and do every single thing I could, but at that time, I was exhausted with trying. I think it's important to remember that pretty much everyone is trying to help, trying to understand, and trying to figure out what to say to fix the problem or fix your feelings. But that's not something that someone else can do for you. You have to find your own joy, your own peace. For me, I found that through my Savior. By putting my faith in him, not in the result that I was looking for. To understand that unanswered prayers are not answered for a reason, one that I cannot understand, but someday I will. And until that day comes, I will find joy in other ways, and in other things, and in finding gratitude and having faith in Christ. There's always someone that has it worse, but there's always someone that has it better... We all experience things differently, and each of our journeys cannot be compared to each other. And finding excuses to be happy rather than excuses to not be. That's how I endured and conquered.