The blessing... and the curse...

I like to come up with witty titles. Today I came up with this one. It's pretty fitting for how I feel. I wanted to record what I can remember of a Priesthood Blessing that Brad gave me in September. For those of you who don't know what a Priesthood Blessing is, my husband holds the Priesthood and has the power to give blessings to those that ask him. Those blessings are basically the words of God coming to his mind and he speaks them outloud to me. He has the ability through the Priesthood to heal, to comfort, to counsel, to instruct, and basically be God's mouthpiece. I am so grateful that my husband has this amazing blessing and responsibility. Brad gave our children Priesthood blessings before they started school and I asked him for one as well because I have been struggling with confusion and just feeling lost in my direction of what I should do since I had the miscarriage with Arianna.

The blessing told me that Heavenly Father was proud of me for my internal dialogue (my thoughts) that I've been having and that I was on the right track. He told me that because of my righteousness and my choices, that he would grant me the desires of my heart, whatever they are, and that I could ask for anything I wanted, but that in doing so, I needed to use this blessing wisely, and realize that whatever I ask for, will have consequences and so I needed to think through what I asked of God because when a blessing is given, it has long term effects basically.

So at first I was like "Wow! That's like a genie in a bottle!" I felt like I could ask for whatever I wanted and he'd give it to me! But then I remembered a conversation that we had with our daughter about taking games off of her phone. We had a Family Home Evening lesson explaining that we wanted to increase our spirituality as a family and focus on important things and we felt like removing all of the games off of her phone and focusing on reading the scriptures is what we needed to do as a family but that we would leave that decision up to her. She was really torn because she wanted her games but she also knew that it was God's will for her to follow her parents guidance and to remove those games so ultimately she made the decision on her own to take those games off.

I realized that God did the same thing to me. He let the decision to have more children be up to me, but warned me that if I decided to choose to have another child when I knew in my heart that there were no more children left to come to our family, that there would be huge consequences in the end. Whether that means another miscarriage, or a death of a child, or a handicapped child, or whatever it may be, that the result would most likely not be what I wanted in the end because it was not part of God's plan, but he wanted me to know that he loves me so much that he will give me what I want if I want it that bad.

He's such a kind God. He loves me so much. He understands my sorrow and my grief and my yearning for children. He loves his children even more than I love mine, those that are here and those that are not. He truly mourns with us and wants us so bad to find peace and happiness and contentment.

I have decided to find a new purpose and a new focus. I have decided to accept what I've been given and be filled with gratitude for the miracles in my life because there are so many. I have decided to focus on helping other people that I come in contact with. To help them to heal and to find peace and to find wholeness. I am focusing my life now on my three beautiful children, on my husband, on preparing for our future, on making the most of my career, and learning how to assist in the healing of others through Emotion Code and Body Code.

I was blessed to have the chance to certify in Emotion Code and I am starting the journey to certify in Body Code soon which I hope will bless hundreds of lives in so many ways. And by focusing on all of these new things, I hope to find peace and happiness and gratification in other people's joy and in accepting God's will and plan for me. It may not be what I wanted originally, but I know that God doesn't make mistakes. This was his plan all along. I just needed to put myself in line with him. I can't expect a blessing that was never meant for me in the first place. I can ask for other blessings instead and find a different happiness with them.

Update: Some good... some bad

The last three months have been pretty nuts. In March I came across this book called "Emotion Code" by Dr. Bradley Nelson. It talks about how the emotions that we feel are energies that can actually become trapped in our body and affect our body's functioning. I read the book and immediately started to test it out and started working on Brad's fertility. Within about two weeks I conceived naturally for the first time since 2003. I was in shock. How could something so simple as the Emotion Code cure Brad of his over a decade of infertility? Absolutely amazed and beyond excited. Then two weeks later, I miscarried. Incredibly sad and discouraged, I lifted up my chin and knew that if it could happen once, it could happen again... so the next month, we got pregnant again! And I miscarried again. And the next month I got pregnant AGAIN and I miscarried again, only this time I was a little further along. Long enough that I know the baby's heart was beating and I had dreams about her. Her name was Arianna Esther Brockbank. She is beautiful. I wish so bad I could hold her in my arms and raise her to womanhood, but I also know that God's plan for her was only to receive a body and to have all of the blessings of mortality without any of the trails and I'm grateful and honored that I could give her that opportunity, as hard as it was (trust me, it was one of the hardest things I've gone through), I know without a doubt that she is perfect and didn't need the trial of this mortal life, just a body for a week and she was back to heaven. I enjoyed her spiritual presence with me for a short time, I felt her very often. And I truly miss her. 

So now we're onto our next month. I'm at a point where I don't know what the Lord wants to teach me, I don't know if I'll get pregnant again and if I'll miscarry again, but I do know that the Lord loves me. And he has a plan not only for me but for all his precious children, and they all have a divine purpose and need to be born at a certain time.

Do I feel that my family is complete? Not really. Am I okay with it if it is? Absolutely. Would I like another child? Absolutely. So I trust and I wait and I trust and I wait. Story of my life. But I'm happy and I feel peace and comfort knowing that Arianna is in good hands and happier than she would have ever been here on Earth. And I'm grateful for an eternal family and the knowledge that some day I will be able to raise her and hold her in my arms.

-Angel-