Pin cushion

When I took my injection class the lady said that by the time I'm done I may feel like a pin cushion... She was partly wrong. I'm not even close to done and I feel like a pin cushion. The three shots a day thing is starting to get old. And I just started that yesterday!! My tummy is sore. I'm not sure if it's bruised or if it's the medicine making the muscles sore? But Tori kept elbowing me in the tummy today on accident at the fair and it really hurt. Any pressure on it hurts. But it's not THAT bad. It's worth it of course.

One more thing

I'm most excited to feel the baby/babies kick. I think I'll cry when I do because I'll be so happy. I can't wait!!

What a dooozy

Okay, so today was the first day of real shots. I can say real shots now because apparently the other shot I was taking each night doesn't even count as a "real" shot compared to the ones today. This morning I woke up and was like, "It's FRIDAY!" The day I've been waiting for, the day we get to the real good stuff... so Brad and I "discussed" the technique for putting together the first shot. You have to change needles and mix this liquid with this powder, etc etc., and what I remembered was different from the directions, so anyway, we finally figured it out. I iced up my stomach and looked away and Brad gave me the new shot and let's just say, I was surprised. And a little disappointed, that it wasn't as pain free as the other shot. It burned. I survived, and I didn't cry, but let's just say tomorrow morning I'm not looking forward to that one. You could see the lump of medication where you put it in, and you could watch it spread. It was a little gross. And I think the difference is that there is about 10x the medication as the other one, and also that the medication stings. Still, I will say it's not as bad as getting your blood taken, but it was close.

So today I think I was having hot flashes. Either that or all the sudden 74 degrees is sweat worthy weather? And I never sweat. It was really weird. Anyway, so then tonight I had to do two shots. The one I've been doing for the last 1 1/2 weeks, only half the dosage, and then this new one. It's totally complicated and intimidating, but I went through the directions step by step and totally conquered it, and said a prayer, and stabbed myself, and I didn't even feel it! Hooray! I'm so glad I was able to do it by myself and that it didn't hurt. What a blessing.  Anyway, so the last shot that there is that I haven't tried yet is the HCG Trigger Shot I take the day before the Retrieval, hopefully next weekend :). But I don't expect it to be that bad, and if it is, at least I won't know till it's too late and won't have to do it again!

We're going to do a day of prayer and fasting on Sunday if you'd like to join us, I'd be really grateful, and frankly quite honored. I've been a little overwhelmed with the kindness and love and support that everyone has given me. I think that a lot of people are quiet about doing In Vitro, for a number of reasons. Probably because if it doesn't work, they don't want everyone to know, and perhaps they don't want to have people judge them? I think times have changed a lot and people don't look down on fertility procedures anymore. I haven't heard anything negative about it except the cost and the pain... but I decided that I was going to just put it out there and not keep it a secret. The more people that are thinking good thoughts my way, the better my chances are :). So anyway, thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. Thank you for your prayers.  I'll update you on Monday with my appointment details if I don't update you again before that. Good night!

Suppression Check

Today's appointment went well. The biggest part of it was that I paid. The majority of it all has been paid now and it's a huge relief and also a huge feeling of "this better work." But I still feel really good about everything. I also paid for the majority of my medicines. I decided to only buy enough until next Wednesday because sometimes they have leftovers from other ladies doing In Vitro that donate their medicines, and sometimes they can get a little extra out of the viles that I use each day and combine them so that I don't have to buy more. Each day of medications is hundreds of dollars, and you can't return them. So I'm going to try to get it exact on and I'd rather drive to Portland and buy them daily (not that I'll have to but if I did), than to buy a bunch extra and throw them away. I'd rather spend that money on maternity clothes :). So all I have left to pay for is any remaining medicine I need, the anesthesia for the transfer ($567) and freezing any left over embryos, which is $1295, and that isn't due until September. So we're getting there :). Today they said everything looks perfect, just as expected. They only counted 7 follicles on the right and 6 on the left, so I was a little disappointed I didn't have more, but they said it was normal, and that more may grow with the new shots I start taking on Friday. So basically I've been taking Lupron, which is a suppressing medication since 7/29. Now I'll start 2 more medications on Friday which are Menopur and Follistim. And take those for like 7-10 days, not sure how many, it will depend on how my body reacts to them. But I'm going to affirm my body will react perfectly and exactly how it's supposed to be and I can save hundreds of dollars because it's going to go perfectly :). Anyway, that's my update. I'll probably update you on Friday to let you know how the other two shots go, and then on Monday with the new appointment. Thanks for reading.

Listening to the Spirit

Sometimes following the Spirit isn't easy. Throughout my Journey of Infertility, it would have been much easier to give up and move on. Even recently as we've been saving up our money for this procedure, I've been filled with ideas of other ways we could spend it.

Seriously though, I've really had an internal struggle trying to figure out why I have felt such an emptiness and feeling of being incomplete. We've tried for 7 1/2 years, we've been willing and waiting, yearning, and praying... But still no results. I tried many times to decide that we're done. After all, there are many benefits to be empty nesters at the age of 42 and be finished with diapers, midnight feedings, potty training, etc. etc. if I were an onlooker I would think I was nuts to start my family all over again. But there has always been this feeling, from the time Abbie was just weeks old, that there are more to come. And even though it's the much harder route to take, I feel peace and resolve that it is the correct route to take, against all logic.

The way I look at it, when the day comes that I return to my Heavenly Father, I want nothing more for him to be proud of me. Even if I finish this mortal existence with two children and living a righteous life and having a happy and eternal marriage, I won't regret going through what I'm doing right now. But if I showed up not having done everything that I could do. Not exercising every last drop of hope and faith that I could muster amongst every tear and feeling of failure that I've felt and if I had given up before I did everything I could, if I met my Heavenly Father and he asked me why I didn't try my best? That would be an eternal state of misery for me. To know that I fell short of something I was guided to do. That I settled for the easier path because I didn't want to deal with the pain and failure. I would hate to meet Charlie in the afterlife and try to explain to him that I gave up. And so I haven't. And I won't.

That is not to say if this doesn't work I'll keep trying till I die, that won't happen. I'm doing this round once. And if we have some embryos to freeze, we will. And if the first round doesn't work, we'll use those frozen ones. And if there aren't frozen ones or those don't work, then I will trust that Heavenly Father has a different plan for me. And I'll know that Heavenly Fathers plan is perfect, and although I may not understand it, I will trust that if I follow the Spirit, no matter how hard it is at times, in the end, I will find greater happiness than if I take the easy route, or my plan.

But I have confidence that this is going to work. I feel great peace and hope and faith. I feel Heavenly Father is pleased with me that we aren't going into debt for this, that we've sacrificed so much, and I know we'll be blessed.

Abbie's Baptism

Today Abbie got baptized. It was so special. I felt the spirit so strong and I knew that there were other people beyond the veil that were able to witness the amazing event as well.

Every birthday since Abbie was about 3, I have had a really hard time with. Knowing that she was getting older and we weren't having more babies. The day of her birthday always seemed like a reminder of our infertility and this year, although I did have the thought, I also felt peace and happiness knowing that this was it... She will still be eight when we have another child. And that I don't need to be sad anymore. Although my plan was not to wait eight years, I know Heavenly Father's plan for me is way better than mine. So I trust.

Ice Ice Baby

So turns out ice really helps! I didn't feel a thing except how painful the ice on the tummy is! So if you can stand ice, definitely go that way. I didn't feel it at all today! Hooray!!

I'm doing really well emotionally and getting excited. When I woke up today, realizing it's already August, it was a little surreal. This is the month!!!

Backfire...

Well, I got the shot all ready and say there staring at the needle right next to my stomach, so I got up the nerve while waiting for Brad to do it myself. It hurt. I'm not as good at giving them to myself as Brad is at giving them to me. But I was so proud of myself, I walked down the stairs and told him, "You snooze, you lose." Turns out he wasn't happy I did it myself. He wanted to give them to me on the days that he's home at 9. I said, "Aren't you so proud of me?" He gave me a fake smile. I felt bad. I didn't realize he liked inflicting pain on me so much. No, for real though, I think he felt like he could help with these and I wasn't letting him do his job. Ooops. Well, lesson learned.

I only have 2 more days of Birth Control left, and 17 or so more days of shots. Then I'm totally done with the hard part. After the retrieval and transfer, I don't have to take any more shots :). I'm so happy about that.

Day 2 of Injections

I was going to play a trick on Brad today and when he gave me a shot pretend to freak out and scream and such... But I decided it was too early for that. It would probably knock all his shot giving confidence away... But I prepared the shot and cleaned my skin and pinched where I wanted and then he walked in and I gave him the shot and he stabbed me. It hurt more this time. He said its because of how I was pinching my skin. I think it's because he did it slower... Who knows. It really wasn't that bad though. Giving blood hurts 10x more than these shots.

I've been surprised a little bit with how relaxed and ready I am for all of this. I'm sure God is assisting me in feeling peace. I've been working extra hard at not allowing stress in my life. Saying No to extra projects, not trying to fit in so many things, etc. I've been reading books more, and that has helped a lot. I'm not sure if Brad is enjoying the laid back, relaxed, don't do anything stressful me. But he'll get what he can take. :) I'm trying to keep my house clean and not let it get overwhelming because that is a huge source of stress, when it gets super dirty.

I created a chart that shows how many days of the process, how many shots of each medicine, etc. that way each night I can check off a day. It's a nice way to feel like I'm making progress and getting closer to the end result.

Day 1 of Injections

Well, I did it. I got my first official shot. I will be honest, I wish I could say that I was tough and said something like "Just shoot me!" and let him do it right away... But for some reason I was a total wimp! I psyched myself out. I kept pushing his arm away and laughing at myself because I knew it didn't hurt that bad, but I think staring at the needle didn't help. So I looked away and it took him literally less than one second and I was done. And then I was reminded that they really don't hurt. I could barely tell he did it. But I will say the Lupron I took has a little sting to it after the fact.

So only 40 or so more shots... There are a lot of pills to take too and everything has a time, so I'll be attached to my phone and handy alarms I set out for the next 3 weeks :)

Here's to Charlie...