Listening to the Spirit

Sometimes following the Spirit isn't easy. Throughout my Journey of Infertility, it would have been much easier to give up and move on. Even recently as we've been saving up our money for this procedure, I've been filled with ideas of other ways we could spend it.

Seriously though, I've really had an internal struggle trying to figure out why I have felt such an emptiness and feeling of being incomplete. We've tried for 7 1/2 years, we've been willing and waiting, yearning, and praying... But still no results. I tried many times to decide that we're done. After all, there are many benefits to be empty nesters at the age of 42 and be finished with diapers, midnight feedings, potty training, etc. etc. if I were an onlooker I would think I was nuts to start my family all over again. But there has always been this feeling, from the time Abbie was just weeks old, that there are more to come. And even though it's the much harder route to take, I feel peace and resolve that it is the correct route to take, against all logic.

The way I look at it, when the day comes that I return to my Heavenly Father, I want nothing more for him to be proud of me. Even if I finish this mortal existence with two children and living a righteous life and having a happy and eternal marriage, I won't regret going through what I'm doing right now. But if I showed up not having done everything that I could do. Not exercising every last drop of hope and faith that I could muster amongst every tear and feeling of failure that I've felt and if I had given up before I did everything I could, if I met my Heavenly Father and he asked me why I didn't try my best? That would be an eternal state of misery for me. To know that I fell short of something I was guided to do. That I settled for the easier path because I didn't want to deal with the pain and failure. I would hate to meet Charlie in the afterlife and try to explain to him that I gave up. And so I haven't. And I won't.

That is not to say if this doesn't work I'll keep trying till I die, that won't happen. I'm doing this round once. And if we have some embryos to freeze, we will. And if the first round doesn't work, we'll use those frozen ones. And if there aren't frozen ones or those don't work, then I will trust that Heavenly Father has a different plan for me. And I'll know that Heavenly Fathers plan is perfect, and although I may not understand it, I will trust that if I follow the Spirit, no matter how hard it is at times, in the end, I will find greater happiness than if I take the easy route, or my plan.

But I have confidence that this is going to work. I feel great peace and hope and faith. I feel Heavenly Father is pleased with me that we aren't going into debt for this, that we've sacrificed so much, and I know we'll be blessed.