4 have made it!

So they definitely have two good ones for me today!! Hooray! They told me that they will know tomorrow if the other two make it to freezing. And the other cool thing she said, is that if I did a frozen transfer next time I don't have to go through all shots, it's super easy, they just put it in me! So it's something to think about :) I'll leave that in the Lord's hands. I'm just so happy we have two good ones. I'll post a picture as soon as I can get one of our twins. Their first of many photo ops!

My appt was at 9:15 but still haven't done anything yet, still waiting. I took some valium. That should be fun!

They make you have a full bladder to do the transfer and I was really uncomfortable, she checked my bladder and said it was too full. So I was able to pee a cup's worth. Do you know how hard it is to stop mid pee? Well I did great :) I'm quite a talented pee stopper.

I'm so happy right now. I feel so blessed! It's finally here! Within an hour I'll be prego!!!

It all comes down to this...

I feel like its the last 10 seconds of the 4th quarter and the score is tied with the rival team. We have the ball and we're at the 10 yard line... And it all comes down to this last play. Will this be it? Will this work?

If it doesn't, there are no more plays left. This is it. So we hope, we pray, and we do everything right. And the rest we leave up to God. I can honestly say I've done all I can. I've taken every shot, swallowed every pill, eaten healthy, prayed diligently, read my scriptures every day... I can honestly say there is nothing I could have done better or harder. I've done it all. And so I put my trust in God that it's all up to him. After all, these children that come to earth are his. They are not ours. We are only stewards and tools in his hands to care for his children for however long we are blessed to do so.

I could easily say I'm a better Mom than many others in this world. I don't say that pridefully, its just a fact. But I'm positive that being a good Mom or parent is not what determines who gets blessed with babies and who doesn't. I wish it was.

I'm ready to accept my fate and the Lord's will. It's been quite a journey. Regardless of the outcome, I know that God lives, and that he loves me. And I accept his plan for me. Now let's go get this over with and find out the final score.

2 days and counting

Just got a call from the embryologist. She has a really cool British Accent. I asked them to call me today to update me on my babies. They apparently don't like doing that on Day 3 because they claim there is nothing to update you with and she seemed a tad bit annoyed, but I was grateful for the update nonetheless. She said of the 6 we have left, 3 are growing really really well and three are struggling a little. She said that there is still potential, but that we'll probably have 3 by Sunday. This is what they had told me on Wednesday as well, so I was expecting it, however I was hopeful I could be the exception. But alas, I am the typical. Which is better than the lower than average :). So anyway, my main thing is that I want two healthy embryos ready to grow in my tummy in 45 hours from now. Can you believe we're that close?

Right now I'm on a bunch of meds to prepare my body to take the embryos. It's totally crazy how much goes into this baby making process when 15 year olds do it on accident in the back of a car. But I am grateful for the blessing of science and I know God has control.

I was blessed to reconnect with an amazing man who has an amazing gift to do energy healing and kinesiology. He agreed to see me today and I feel so much more at peace knowing that he's going to help me get my body ready and in line and ready. What an amazing and timely blessing.

3 days and counting

I think I overdid myself yesterday. I just wanted to bounce back, and I was feeling okay physically, but emotionally I was struggling. It's so hard to wait. To know that anything could happen. To make it this far and realize that its not in my control. I've done my shots, I've done my meds, I've done everything I can do, and just to think that I did it all for nothing if it doesn't work is more than I can think of right now... SO I'm not going to think of that right now. It's going to work. Everything I've felt and done and the direction I've taken, I KNOW I'm supposed to do this. And so I just have to trust. But it's really hard when its so close, yet so out of my control. I took a nap yesterday and a shower, and that helped. And I finished another book, I like reading. I haven't had any time to read in the last 8-10 years, so it's been fun to force myself to relax and read a book. I can imagine that after that transfer, the waiting won't be any better than it is right now. I gotta stay busy, but not stressed. Good luck with that :).

Embryologist Called

Well, the much anticipated call happened this morning... they retrieved 12 eggs, only 10 were mature, and only 6 of them fertilized. I'm not really sure why when they do ICSI, and they put the sperm into the eggs, why some wouldn't fertilize, but that's alright, we still have enough. Way better than them saying that none of them did or only a few, so I'm grateful that we're still on track and it's going to be okay. We may not have any to freeze, as they had told me before may be the case, but at this point, I'm okay with that. It would be nice to freeze some just in case this doesn't work, or if we end up with just one baby and decide in a year to have another, but I'd kind of like to be done with all of this honestly, and especially when it comes to my wallet. So I'm just going to trust that it's happening how its supposed to happen and be grateful for 6 and hope that 2-4 will make it to day five. If we have 3, then we'll take the best two and won't freeze the other one. If we have 4 or more, we'll freeze the ones we don't use. So everyone pray for healthy baby embryos. It's kind of weird to think that my little petri babies are forming right now. I'm imagining them multiplying and multiplying. What do you think of the baby names Petri and Petra? Hahaha, jk. I'm including a picture of what embryos look like day to day. So today is considered day one, yesterday was considered day 0.

Hard part is over

Well I'm done with the hard part. They got a whole dozen eggs. :) never felt more like a chicken. I was disappointed to find out that my follicles fill right back up so the swelling and bloated feeling won't go away for another 2 weeks or so. But that's alright. Hopefully by then I'll be bloated from babies!

The anesthesiologist was fantastic! I told them I had bad veins because of all the blood I've had taken so the nurse had the anesthesiologist do the IV and it went in super easy! I was so grateful.

I'm feeling campy but nothing bad and I'm excited to think my little babies are being created today! Im going to read and cuddle with my girls today and get back to my normal self by tomorrow.

Sunday at 9:15 will be my transfer day. So that'll be the first day of my next big chapter of life. I'm feeling so grateful, I've been so blessed by my Heavenly Father. He loves me so much.

All Shot Up

Well, I'm done with shots. Did my last Lupron shot at 9 and my trigger HCG shot at exactly 9:30 on the dot. I am including a picture of the inside of my sharps container. It's pretty awesome. I'm so proud of myself for getting through 3 weeks and one day of shots. Not one tear shed and not one curse word said. I even managed to make it through without any emotional breakdowns! I almost cried at a wedding yesterday, and I was mad at Brad maybe twice... (I think for good reason but he blames hormones) so I think we made it through really well. It went by really fast, yet really slow. I'm really ready to be done with the whole process, but it hardly feels like its been 3 weeks since I started shots.

So I'll go in Tuesday AM for the retrieval, and a week from today I'll be prego! I'm so excited! It doesn't even feel real though. But it will soon...

Counting my eggs before they hatch

I thought up that funny title this morning, had to share it with everyone. So today we did the same appointment we have every other day this last week. But this time they measured my follicles and they were huge! And ready! Yep! I'm ready. Woo Hoo! I take my trigger shot TONIGHT and go in on Tuesday at 7:45am to give them my eggs. And then they put the little spermies in the eggs on Tue and the baby making begins!!!

I only have to do 3 shots tonight and I'm done with shots! Woo Hoo!

Change of appointment

Nurse called me today at 4 and said to keep with the same meds but change my appointment to Sunday instead of Saturday. I'm not going to lie, I was a little disappointed. But that's ok. Less blood taking. So I'll update you after my appointment on Sunday. My stomach is getting more and more bloated by the hour. It's pretty crazy. Not sure I'm going to be very comfortable tomorrow... Or Sunday... Or Monday. I'm hoping on Sunday they'll tell me to take my HCG Shot and then we'll do the procedure on Tue AM. I'm guessing that'll be the case. We'll see...

Getting Closer!!!

Today I had another appointment to check my follicles and blood levels. They haven't called me back yet with the results from the blood levels, but based on the size of my follicles, they said they want to see me tomorrow AM at 7:30. So that's a great step in the right direction. My largest follicle is over 17, whatever that means?? I think I have like 8 or so that are good sized, and a few smaller ones, but for some reason I'm not concerned about that. I feel peace that it is how it is supposed to be. I have been thinking today though how close I'm getting and how real it's becoming. I haven't put a whole lot of thought until today about the fact that in a few days I'm having surgery, like they're actually knocking me out with IV and sedation and all that jazz. I read some other chic's blog about how she was in a lot of pain when she woke up. That made me nervous because I HATE waking up from anesthesia. I was thinking it wouldn't be a big deal since it's only like a 25 min procedure, but I'll talk to the doctor and anesthesia doctor about how I'd like to get the anti-nausea medicine and to give me as much pain medication as they can so that I'm good. I just hate being nauseated, that's the worst. I think based on today's appointment and going in tomorrow that I may have purchased too much medication. I'm a little frustrated about that because we really need to save the money for school stuff, but it is what it is. My sister in law is doing in vitro in a month, so I'll see if I can sell it to her for a discount :). So that I can recoup some of our costs. It's really getting close though, I'm so happy to feel like I'm in the home stretch. I just pray and hope that everything goes perfectly with my eggs and the spermies and them becoming little embryos and staying alive for 5 days in a petri dish. The worse thing would be to have nothing to put back in me after we've been through all of this. But I will trust in the Lord, that he will make whatever happen that needs to. We're going to the temple tomorrow for our friend's wedding, I think it'll be good to be able to do that with all these events happening, and be able to feel some more peace. I was thinking today as I was driving to my appointment about what if this doesn't work, etc... and I remembered that about 2 months before I started everything I was ready to throw in the towel. I had a huge emotional breakdown and freaked out about all the tests and shots and was ready to quit. I prayed and fasted and went to the temple in search of the feeling that I could quit, and I came out with a resolve to be brave and to continue forward. So I know that I was ready and willing to call it quits and looking for God's approval in that, and he sent me back with courage and bravery and resolve to do this. So I will trust that I'm doing what's right and he has complete control. In starting this whole process, I really had a struggle with understanding science vs. God's will and how they intertwine. Why if it was his will that I get pregnant, why I have to use science? And does Science really involve God a whole lot. But going through this process I can see that God's hand is in all science. Every shot that I take, every emotion that I feel, every appointment that I go to, and every progress that I make, I know that he is in charge of it all. I know that he's in control and frankly, I just do what I'm told and trust. It's all about trusting. I did some EFT (Emotional Freedom Therapy) in the beginning of the year and learned something that has truly changed my life. Arden Compton lives in Brigham City, and I consider him one of the best EFT Specialists. He helped me understand how Satan works to discourage us and how to understand our feelings and promptings. He had us get a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On the left side we wrote God at the top, and on the right side we wrote Satan. And then we drew a line underneath it. And then we wrote feelings and emotions under each. On the left side under "God" we wrote words like confidence, happiness, peace, understanding, light, knowledge, resolve, comfort... and on the right side under "Satan" we wrote words like fear, worry, concern, unsurity, anger, sadness, etc. And he said that any time you feel these feelings, you can know who is giving them to you. If we were supposed to be done having children, we would have felt the feelings on the left side of the page. Feelings of peace, happiness, confidence, etc. And any time that we feel doubt, we can know that it's Satan giving us those feelings. So that has really helped me as I make decisions. I come to God in prayer, asking him if my decision is correct, and then I know based on my feelings what I should do. Whenever I felt anger and frustration and doubt and loss of hope, I knew that Satan was working on me to just give up, and so I had a new resolve to not let him win, and to follow all of those promptings that I've had that we still need to try. That hope, that peace, and that feeling that I need to have more faith, those are all from God. So I trust him :). I'll keep you updated on how my appointment goes tomorrow. Thanks for reading!