"I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

I decided to go through my blog yesterday and reread the whole thing. I was quite impressed. I'm so grateful to be on the other side of Charlie now, where I can enjoy every second of his life. Whenever he holds onto my legs it reminds me of when Abbie was just a few months old and I remember feeling a little spirit around me, just holding onto my legs. That's when I decided to start trying for Charlie. A little less than 10 years ago now. It is almost surreal to be living what I dreamed of now. 

Going through In Vitro again for me, it's not the same as it was for Charlie. In one way I feel like it should be. Like I should be so emotionally invested in it like I was last time, but this time it's more of just doing what needs to be done to get to the next step. It's kind of weird. I feel like we're not done, I want at least one more to give Charlie a friend and hopefully then I'll feel like our family is complete. But if it's not, I'll do it again. It's hard to understand how some people can plan out their families so easily, some end up with no children at all, and for some, having children is their trial... It's so interesting how the same experience of having children can be so different for so many people. I look forward to the day when I feel that our family is complete. I'm sure I will be sad I won't have more babies, as I truly do enjoy this phase, but I look forward to that feeling of completeness. Just like when I had the confirmation that Brad was supposed to be my husband, I felt that completeness.

 I will say that for me, I appreciate not just Charlie more, but my girls as well because of what I had to go through to get Charlie, it makes me more grateful for what miracles the girls are that I didn't have to go through that for them. I watched them playing together at a playground yesterday and I just said a prayer of gratitude that they have each other to be best friends. They are 22 months apart. What a blessing that I didn't even have to struggle more than 6 months to get pregnant with each of them! I had no idea what was lying ahead for us, but again, I'm so grateful for this trial. It has opened my eyes and allowed me to feel so much gratitude for what I do have, and for what role the Lord has in my life, in all of our lives. It reminds me of a scripture from the Book of Mormon in 1st Nephi. Nephi is speaking to an Angel: 

 16 And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?

 17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

Just like Nephi... I don't know the meaning of all things. I don't know why we have had to struggle with infertility. I don't know why some people can have 10 kids without trying, or some 15 year olds can get pregnant in the back of a car their first time, or why abusive druggy parents keep poppin' 'em out. I don't know why the Lord had this in the cards for me, BUT, I do know that he loves his children. And I know that all of the trials that we experience in this life, truly do make us better, if we allow them to. If we look at the cards we are dealt with and figure out how to make something good out of them rather than wanting someone else's hand, or just giving up on the game, every hand that is dealt can become the winning hand, with God as our partner, because his plan is for us to win! As long as we turn our will to his, and accept that what he has planned for us, it will ultimately bring us the most happiness, then we will be able to experience that happiness. We are his children, and he is teaching us, and sometimes we are like that two year old who throws a tantrum over something that they shouldn't have, and so we need to remember that God knows everything. From beginning to end. And after all, these are not our children. They are his. We are just the stewards. Who are we to tell him when we get to be stewards of his own children? I hope that helps. Thanks for reading!

Next Steps

Brad and I are going to try to do one round of Artificial Insemination (IUI) this summer. I decided for $300, it's worth a shot to see if I can try to avoid In Vitro again. With all the great supplements we are taking and the diet changes, I'm hoping that something will happen this summer, but in case it doesn't, we're still planning on In Vitro in November. Here is the list of items we're taking/doing: Gluten Free (brad) Sugar Free (trying to at least) (brad) Dairy Free (more like reduced dairy ;) ) (brad) Pregnitude- (me) Fertilaid- (brad) omega 3- (both) multi vitamin (both) AG Immune from Bodywise (both) Men's Vitamin from Bodywise (brad) With all the stuff, I hope something will happen. Brad has already dropped 15 pounds though, so that's good. I feel really good about this plan because I won't feel as emotional throughout the summer knowing there is an ultimate solution in November. It will just be an added amazing miracle and blessing if something happens before November, but I'm not counting on it happening. I'm back to the same place I was with Abbie though, watching everyone that had a child at the same time as I did, get pregnant again, knowing I should be too, but it's their turn first. That's alright, I've done this before, I will do it again, only this time with a little more experience and hopefully a little less painful emotion. Considering we're not waiting another 8-9 years, I think we'll be good.

Make a List and Check it Twice

This post was from about two months ago, I never posted it, so I'm going to edit/update it and post it. I'm a list maker. I LOVE To Do lists. If for no other reason than to check things off as completed. If I do something that is not on the list, I make sure to write it on there and then check it off so that I feel more accomplished. It's so rewarding. So I have my checklist of things that I need to do to be able to do In Vitro again. Here is my list: 1) Stop Breastfeeding 2) Gain 10 lbs 3) Take Supplements for at least 3 months beforehand 4) Start my Period and have two periods before In Vitro 5) Earn enough money to pay for In Vitro So I have those going on in my head every day. I've accomplished #1, I still need to work on #2, I'm doing well with #3, #4 is good, I'm on my 3rd period now, and #5... not so much. Thus the reason we are pushing out till November. If anyone has any fundraising ideas, please let me know. I'm having a harder time with earning the money than I had hoped. I am starting to work out every morning and take a weight gainer protein, so I'm pretty confident I can gain another 7 lbs by November 1st. That's my update! Thanks for reading.