"I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

I decided to go through my blog yesterday and reread the whole thing. I was quite impressed. I'm so grateful to be on the other side of Charlie now, where I can enjoy every second of his life. Whenever he holds onto my legs it reminds me of when Abbie was just a few months old and I remember feeling a little spirit around me, just holding onto my legs. That's when I decided to start trying for Charlie. A little less than 10 years ago now. It is almost surreal to be living what I dreamed of now. 

Going through In Vitro again for me, it's not the same as it was for Charlie. In one way I feel like it should be. Like I should be so emotionally invested in it like I was last time, but this time it's more of just doing what needs to be done to get to the next step. It's kind of weird. I feel like we're not done, I want at least one more to give Charlie a friend and hopefully then I'll feel like our family is complete. But if it's not, I'll do it again. It's hard to understand how some people can plan out their families so easily, some end up with no children at all, and for some, having children is their trial... It's so interesting how the same experience of having children can be so different for so many people. I look forward to the day when I feel that our family is complete. I'm sure I will be sad I won't have more babies, as I truly do enjoy this phase, but I look forward to that feeling of completeness. Just like when I had the confirmation that Brad was supposed to be my husband, I felt that completeness.

 I will say that for me, I appreciate not just Charlie more, but my girls as well because of what I had to go through to get Charlie, it makes me more grateful for what miracles the girls are that I didn't have to go through that for them. I watched them playing together at a playground yesterday and I just said a prayer of gratitude that they have each other to be best friends. They are 22 months apart. What a blessing that I didn't even have to struggle more than 6 months to get pregnant with each of them! I had no idea what was lying ahead for us, but again, I'm so grateful for this trial. It has opened my eyes and allowed me to feel so much gratitude for what I do have, and for what role the Lord has in my life, in all of our lives. It reminds me of a scripture from the Book of Mormon in 1st Nephi. Nephi is speaking to an Angel: 

 16 And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?

 17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

Just like Nephi... I don't know the meaning of all things. I don't know why we have had to struggle with infertility. I don't know why some people can have 10 kids without trying, or some 15 year olds can get pregnant in the back of a car their first time, or why abusive druggy parents keep poppin' 'em out. I don't know why the Lord had this in the cards for me, BUT, I do know that he loves his children. And I know that all of the trials that we experience in this life, truly do make us better, if we allow them to. If we look at the cards we are dealt with and figure out how to make something good out of them rather than wanting someone else's hand, or just giving up on the game, every hand that is dealt can become the winning hand, with God as our partner, because his plan is for us to win! As long as we turn our will to his, and accept that what he has planned for us, it will ultimately bring us the most happiness, then we will be able to experience that happiness. We are his children, and he is teaching us, and sometimes we are like that two year old who throws a tantrum over something that they shouldn't have, and so we need to remember that God knows everything. From beginning to end. And after all, these are not our children. They are his. We are just the stewards. Who are we to tell him when we get to be stewards of his own children? I hope that helps. Thanks for reading!