Let this be enough...

This last year has not been the easiest year of my life. I could probably count it in the top five hardest? We've moved a few times, tried a few jobs, started our own company, and just the fact that Charlie is now a toddler is just exhausting. And with every stage and milestone I can't help but yearn for one more. Will he be all alone growing up? He's so bored now, it will only get worse. I've had more dreams of a little girl. We want to name her Arianna. She has the same beautiful coloring as Abbie. I really hope she exists.

With all the changes in our life, we haven't been able to save up anymore money for In Vitro. We've tried Supplements and oils and different natural doctors and everything we could try with the money that we do have but nothing is happening, nothing is changing. 

And with every yearning feeling and pleading with God, I can't help but feel guilty. Who am I to complain or yearn or whine or want? I have Charlie! He's everything and more I've wanted. Why do I want more? Am I like a child who just can't be satisfied with what I have?

I don't know. I do know it's a righteous desire to want more children. But I also know it's not really my place to expect the Lord to bless me with something that is his. These little spirits don't come for us. They come for their own purpose. So who are we to demand that it satisfies our desires?

Recently I went to a Women's Conference and something someone said there has greatly impacted me. She said instead of praying for more of this and more of that, can we pray that what we have can be enough? I honestly have never in my life thought to pray for that! But what a wonderful and righteous desire! 

I'm all about having goals and dreams and affirmations. Super important! But when your prayers are being answered with a "Wait and be patient", then what a wonderful thing to pray for. "Let this be enough." So... I'm waiting patiently and trusting that God has a plan for all of his children, and I will trust that plan. And in the meantime I am praying daily and sometimes hourly... "Let this be enough."

Paradigm Shift...

Some notes I wrote a few months back: 

What if it's not about when we will have babies, when we will partake of our blessing that we want... what if it's purely about when these children are supposed to come to Earth? What their mission on Earth is, what they will accomplish completely based on God's timing. Our wanting a blessing when we want the blessing cannot change God's ultimate plan of bringing more souls onto this Earth with each of their own purposes in life. Our purpose is not to have more children, our purpose is truly to accept God's will and his plan not only for us but especially for our children. 

What if there is a war that has a draft in 2024. If I had Charlie in 2006 when I wanted him, he'd be 18 then. Versus being only 10 at that time. Who knows. I don't know God's plan for him but who am I to demand he come at a time that is not set forth for him? 

Infertility is a trial that is designed to teach us to accept God's will and his timing but somehow it is a lesson that is so difficult and emotional. I think because for a woman we feel like it affects our purpose in life. It's a righteous desire and so for us to not be able to fulfill that purpose it goes against our righteous desires and we have this internal struggle of wanting to fulfill our grand purpose and role yet struggling to accept God's plan and timing. 

"I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things."

I decided to go through my blog yesterday and reread the whole thing. I was quite impressed. I'm so grateful to be on the other side of Charlie now, where I can enjoy every second of his life. Whenever he holds onto my legs it reminds me of when Abbie was just a few months old and I remember feeling a little spirit around me, just holding onto my legs. That's when I decided to start trying for Charlie. A little less than 10 years ago now. It is almost surreal to be living what I dreamed of now. 

Going through In Vitro again for me, it's not the same as it was for Charlie. In one way I feel like it should be. Like I should be so emotionally invested in it like I was last time, but this time it's more of just doing what needs to be done to get to the next step. It's kind of weird. I feel like we're not done, I want at least one more to give Charlie a friend and hopefully then I'll feel like our family is complete. But if it's not, I'll do it again. It's hard to understand how some people can plan out their families so easily, some end up with no children at all, and for some, having children is their trial... It's so interesting how the same experience of having children can be so different for so many people. I look forward to the day when I feel that our family is complete. I'm sure I will be sad I won't have more babies, as I truly do enjoy this phase, but I look forward to that feeling of completeness. Just like when I had the confirmation that Brad was supposed to be my husband, I felt that completeness.

 I will say that for me, I appreciate not just Charlie more, but my girls as well because of what I had to go through to get Charlie, it makes me more grateful for what miracles the girls are that I didn't have to go through that for them. I watched them playing together at a playground yesterday and I just said a prayer of gratitude that they have each other to be best friends. They are 22 months apart. What a blessing that I didn't even have to struggle more than 6 months to get pregnant with each of them! I had no idea what was lying ahead for us, but again, I'm so grateful for this trial. It has opened my eyes and allowed me to feel so much gratitude for what I do have, and for what role the Lord has in my life, in all of our lives. It reminds me of a scripture from the Book of Mormon in 1st Nephi. Nephi is speaking to an Angel: 

 16 And he said unto me: Knowest thou the condescension of God?

 17 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

Just like Nephi... I don't know the meaning of all things. I don't know why we have had to struggle with infertility. I don't know why some people can have 10 kids without trying, or some 15 year olds can get pregnant in the back of a car their first time, or why abusive druggy parents keep poppin' 'em out. I don't know why the Lord had this in the cards for me, BUT, I do know that he loves his children. And I know that all of the trials that we experience in this life, truly do make us better, if we allow them to. If we look at the cards we are dealt with and figure out how to make something good out of them rather than wanting someone else's hand, or just giving up on the game, every hand that is dealt can become the winning hand, with God as our partner, because his plan is for us to win! As long as we turn our will to his, and accept that what he has planned for us, it will ultimately bring us the most happiness, then we will be able to experience that happiness. We are his children, and he is teaching us, and sometimes we are like that two year old who throws a tantrum over something that they shouldn't have, and so we need to remember that God knows everything. From beginning to end. And after all, these are not our children. They are his. We are just the stewards. Who are we to tell him when we get to be stewards of his own children? I hope that helps. Thanks for reading!

Next Steps

Brad and I are going to try to do one round of Artificial Insemination (IUI) this summer. I decided for $300, it's worth a shot to see if I can try to avoid In Vitro again. With all the great supplements we are taking and the diet changes, I'm hoping that something will happen this summer, but in case it doesn't, we're still planning on In Vitro in November. Here is the list of items we're taking/doing: Gluten Free (brad) Sugar Free (trying to at least) (brad) Dairy Free (more like reduced dairy ;) ) (brad) Pregnitude- (me) Fertilaid- (brad) omega 3- (both) multi vitamin (both) AG Immune from Bodywise (both) Men's Vitamin from Bodywise (brad) With all the stuff, I hope something will happen. Brad has already dropped 15 pounds though, so that's good. I feel really good about this plan because I won't feel as emotional throughout the summer knowing there is an ultimate solution in November. It will just be an added amazing miracle and blessing if something happens before November, but I'm not counting on it happening. I'm back to the same place I was with Abbie though, watching everyone that had a child at the same time as I did, get pregnant again, knowing I should be too, but it's their turn first. That's alright, I've done this before, I will do it again, only this time with a little more experience and hopefully a little less painful emotion. Considering we're not waiting another 8-9 years, I think we'll be good.

Make a List and Check it Twice

This post was from about two months ago, I never posted it, so I'm going to edit/update it and post it. I'm a list maker. I LOVE To Do lists. If for no other reason than to check things off as completed. If I do something that is not on the list, I make sure to write it on there and then check it off so that I feel more accomplished. It's so rewarding. So I have my checklist of things that I need to do to be able to do In Vitro again. Here is my list: 1) Stop Breastfeeding 2) Gain 10 lbs 3) Take Supplements for at least 3 months beforehand 4) Start my Period and have two periods before In Vitro 5) Earn enough money to pay for In Vitro So I have those going on in my head every day. I've accomplished #1, I still need to work on #2, I'm doing well with #3, #4 is good, I'm on my 3rd period now, and #5... not so much. Thus the reason we are pushing out till November. If anyone has any fundraising ideas, please let me know. I'm having a harder time with earning the money than I had hoped. I am starting to work out every morning and take a weight gainer protein, so I'm pretty confident I can gain another 7 lbs by November 1st. That's my update! Thanks for reading.

My Journey, Part II

I think it's time to start my journey, Part II. This time is a bit different. A lot bit different. It's a whole new story. Charlie has been my whole world in the last two years... well, frankly the last 10 years, but especially the last two years. Everything in my life has pretty much revolved around him. I have never felt so much joy in all my life. The scriptures talk about how great will be your joy, even more than your pain, and it really is true. So I have had this internal conflict going on. I know I want to have another baby... for two reasons. #1) Charlie needs a friend. I don't want him to be alone. #2) I don't feel like we're "done". So, I'm okay with trying again. I think this time around will be different because I already have Charlie. I haven't had any dreams or visions, I just have a desire to complete our family and make Charlie happier than he already is. So what is my conflict? Well I wanted to breastfeed Charlie till he was one. He's almost 10 months. It's two stupid months, I know he won't be upset about it later on in life, but I'm having a hard time giving it up. I think maybe I don't want him to grow up? I don't know... but the stars are starting to align, and I really think July is going to be the lucky month. And so I need to stop breastfeeding so that I can start my cycle and get ready to do In Vitro. The doctor said it usually takes about 2 months to start your cycle after breastfeeding, and he wants me to have a cycle for two months before the procedure, so that pretty much means I need to stop right now. We also have a big event that Brad and I are in charge of later this month that is a two day event, and so I think I need to just ween him starting now. It's not very fun though. I've absolutely enjoyed every minute of bonding with Charlie. And it's not like I'm not going to bond with him anymore, but it's just different. To be his lifeline, it does something to me. It makes me feel like he needs me as much as I need him. And it's a dream come true, literally. I love my Charlie more than words can express. But I just need to remind myself, that I'm having another one so he can have a friend, I'm doing this for him. And so... the Journey begins, Part II. Wish me luck!