This was an entry from my journal in January 2009, not sure how much it is a duplicate from the other entry...
The reason I feel like I needed to write down my thoughts this morning is because once again (like almost every month) I thought I might be pregnant. I was two days late, which I haven’t been in forever it seems, and I thought that maybe this could be the lucky month. Its been 48 months of trying, of excitement, of hoping, of having faith, and then being incredibly disappointed. 48 months. That’s a long time. That’s a lot of disappointments. I wish I could throw in the towel and just give up and say I’m done. Do you know how nice that would be to be done, no more diapers, no more potty training, no more terrible twos… but I’m not. I can’t. I won’t. I know that we have at least one, probably two more children waiting much more patiently than I am to come to this family, and I wish we could just get to that point. Its pretty tough to see everyone around me get pregnant with the blink of an eye and have 3 kids since the time we started trying after Abigail was born. 3 kids! I’m so grateful for Victoria and Abigail, they are amazing, and I know many people out there don’t even have children at all, but I just can’t get over this yearning for more, and its really tough to yearn and not be able to stop, yet not be able to fill the cup. I hate it. I thought last night as I was praying that I finally got to the point that I wouldn’t be sad anymore if I wasn’t pregnant, I was fairly confident in fact. I told the Lord it was up to him, and I know that it is, and that he has a plan for us, and his plan is always way better than mine. I know these things to be true. But when it comes down to the final truth, it 100% sucks. I can’t get this lump out of my throat and that yearning seems to just get stronger and I just can’t let it go. I want to. I want to give up and quit. It wouldn’t hurt as bad. It would take away the pain and failure and disappointment. Everything I hate. Yep, tears are flowing now. I’m not supposed to feel this way. I’m supposed to just accept it and move on. You’d think after 48 failures that I’d be used to this, and that I wouldn’t feel the emotion and the pain and the failure, but I do. Oh how I do. It seems to get worse. I wish I knew how I was supposed to feel and that I could just do that. I mean, what is it that the Lord wants me to do? I know he doesn’t want me to give up, because he keeps giving me these glimpses of hope, and frankly, they get rather annoying after all the failure. Why do I have to feel like I’m pregnant when I’m not? Why do I have to be 2 days late? Why is it that everyone around me is pregnant or has new babies? And almost no one knows of this struggle because we already have two kids, so how could we have this problem, and why is it an issue when we already have two? Well, I don’t know the answer to all of these questions. I don’t. So, I move onto failure number 49. See you next month.
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...although I don't know how your particular struggle feels..I do feel like I have a lot in common and can at least understand on some level what you are going through. When we decided not to have any more kids it was the worst decision of my life. But I was at that time, choosing between life and death. I had to choose life. I just had to. That doesn't change the fact that even though I know I can't have any more I still yearn for more. I still allow myself to be heartbroken every time my family tells me they are pregnant. I can't help it that even though I know that Tim has a vasectomy ...every time I am late I still get a pregnancy test because, surely this is a miracle and these things happen all the time, right? I want another baby like I want water from a dry well. Right now I am grateful that I live with Karina and can have her baby whenever I need her. But as you know so well...it just isn't the same, is it? I love you and feel your sadness. It is nice to know that I am not alone and I have a confidant in you.
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