March Post

March 27, 2009. Well that lasted a good 2 months. I’m not sure why I’m feeling the way I am, I guess that’s kind of a normal thing with me lately. I get all these feelings and they confuse me. I’ve been doing really well with work, getting really good at my job, and feeling like I want it to be more permanent. Brad had a lunch thing with the other consultants at work and I wasn’t even invited and I felt really left out and like they didn’t feel like I was important to the partners. I don’t know if they just assumed I couldn’t come or what, but a part of me wants to establish myself at this company as somebody important. But then another part of me says that I really should be at home, pregnant, finishing up our family. That my place isn’t in the workplace, and I shouldn’t invest myself into something that is just going to go away as soon as I get pregnant. And then I won’t be able to be important in this company because I’ll be too busy with a baby. I’ve got this inner battle of work vs. home, and the stupidest thing is that I’m not pregnant and don’t know if I’ll ever be again. But I want to be, but part of me says why even hope or try, just concentrate on work. I don’t know. I’m struggling as you can tell. Sometimes I hate responsibility. Sometimes I wish I could be a teenager again, where my biggest concern was if people liked me or if I had a boyfriend or if I could keep my boyfriend without actually kissing him. Those were the days. And they were so drama back then too. I was so worried about finding my true love. I guess my life is kinda boring comparatively, or maybe its just different. Now I’ve got little mini-Angels, replicas of my drama. I’m getting close to the age where being a mother of a baby is almost not an option anymore. Most of my friends are finishing up their families of 4, some have already called it good at 2. I wish I could just say we’re good and move on, but I know that we have at least one more, if not two. And it is almost haunting to me. I feel like I’m in such limbo. Like I can’t take the next step, but I can’t stay where I’m at. I don’t know. Its such a guessing game. I wonder if its me, or if its Brad, or if its Gods timing. And no matter what I try, nothing changes, its always the same. Over 4 years, I think we going on 50 months of disappointment now. Wow. So let me ask myself this, “What do I need to learn?” The only thing that comes to my mind is “Trust in the Lord’s Timing”, but say that’s what I’m supposed to learn, I’m having a hard time with figuring out how I’m supposed to feel or act or respond. I need something to focus on besides disappointment. I don’t know what I can focus on. Hmmm.