My cousin's wife whom I dearly love, Katie Jensen has her own personal blog about her journey through infertility and I felt like today I needed to start my own so as not to blab my drama to all my family and friends and possible ex-boyfriends :), so I decided to start this. Thanks for reading. Started cramping again yesterday after I lost a $1000 sale with my J Hilburn business. I thought to myself "there's no way I could be taking this so hard that it would be effected so physically by this", but then I realized, oh yeah, "Its that time of the month, crap." So then I had to do my quick psycho inventory to figure out if I was going to be okay this month or have a break-down. I decided I'd be fine because if I got pregnant this month I may not be able to go to Mayakoba Mexico next May with J Hilburn, and that would suck to work so hard and then not be able to go, you know? So I thought I could get through this month without a problem. Well, this morning I threw that out the window and started feeling down. These are the thoughts that came to my mind:
"If its not god's will that I get pregnant, its still my fault."
"I feel like I don't have control over the whole situation but that its still my fault and that I'm letting him down. I don't know what else to do."
"Its my fault for some reason I don't know. But I feel like its my fault. "
Last thought: If I do get pregnant, I feel like there is some sort of lesson I'm supposed to learn from this whole experience and until I do, it won't happen... so what's the lesson? Why do I have such an incredible desire to have more kids when I'm not getting pregnant? God doesn't want me to be sad, so if its not his will right now, why do I have this overwhelming desire? If I wasn't supposed to have more kids, I'd be fine with that, and I'd accept that, but deep down inside I know that's not true, I'm almost 100% sure I'm supposed to have more.
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1st, super cute layout. :) Very you.
ReplyDelete2nd, I'm sorry it's been so difficult. I know how it feels. One of the things that I learned is that God has a plan and things like this usually aren't your fault. Certainly there is something to be said for not doing your part (i.e. going to the doctor) but outside of that, it's not your fault.
AND, bargaining doesn't work. For a while, I thought maybe it was because I wasn't having family home evening enough, or whatever. I would then make bargains with Him such as "I'll have a good FHE every Monday." But regardless of my bargaining, it still didn't happen.
My best piece of advice is this: Accept that it stinks, recognize that He loves you and isn't doing this just because it's fun to see you be miserable, and accept that His plan is better than yours. He has the eternal perspective and so trust that this is all happening for a reason. It doesn't mean that you can't ever be sad and it doesn't mean that you have to pretend that it doesn't matter or hurt. It does mean that you accept it, continue to do what you can, look for the lessons you can learn, but enjoy life and the family you have now.
I know that He wouldn't want you to be so upset about this that you couldn't appreciate and love the blessings that He has already given you.
I love you and know you'll get through this. I know it's hard and it stinks, and that no matter how many other people have gone through the same thing, it is still a big deal. Just keep being obedient and trusting that in the end, it will all work out for the best. :)
I love you!
Thanks so much for inviting me to read your thoughts here, Angel. My sister-in-law actually did the same thing when they decided to attempt a 4th IVF a little over a month ago, which sadly was unsuccessful. Again. It really is an amazing way to share your thoughts and feel support of friends and family who love you.
ReplyDeleteWhile I can't entirely understand what you go through, I know I mentioned before that I do have a small taste of this struggle. We have now just passed the 20 month mark, ourselves, and had a miscarriage about 6 weeks ago.
This is hard, and I DON'T understand why it has to be so hard. At all. All I know is that Heavenly Father WILL help you through it. I have felt HIS love and know that we are not alone in these trials.