January Post

I wrote this on January 14th, 2009...

I remember like it was yesterday when I got married to Brad, I was young, innocent, naive, and completely... clueless. We went to go buy a house one day, the guy told us we couldn't because we had no credit. Like I knew what that meant. I just thought that you get married, you buy a house, you have a baby, he works, I stay home, raise babies, and some day we'll grow old and look back and say "Remember When." Marriage to me was the 'all solution' to every problem I had. It was the goal, not the beginning. It took me about a year and a half of complete cluelessness and bliss to realize that life had just begun... along with all our trials. I thought that since I had found the love of my life, everything else was "in the bag"... HA!

Some may look upon my life and think I've got it easy. But just like you, I have problems, I have trials, I have emotional breakdowns, and I have horrible life experiences I wish to never EVER experience again. We all have our fair share, some may have more than others, but its what we can handle, and I respect those with more than me as I know they are stronger than I.

Shortly after I had Abigail I couldn't shake the feeling that another child was waiting to come to our family. I always felt like our family was incomplete. We decided to start trying again pretty quickly since I knew it was to be. Four years later, I sit, in front of my computer, writing to you, hoping that I may touch someone, teach someone, or maybe just talk my feelings out. Who knows. 48 times we've tried. 48. 48 months of dissapointment, of failure, of hoping and being crushed.

If you haven't experienced this, maybe this will shed some light, if you have, you can understand: The first week starts with this incredible dissapointment, this feeling of failure, and complete loss of hope. Followed up by emotional roller coasters, physical pain (cramps, etc), and feeling like your broken. The next week and a half comes with hope and faith and a new desire to try again if you're lucky, sometimes its just a chore. I've only felt like its a chore about 3 months of the 48, so I'm good there. Then comes the week and a half of waiting and feeling those false pregnancy symptoms that get your hopes up and your faith built that for some reason or another, this month will be different than all the other months. And if your lucky, those pregnancy signs aren't there, your just late a few days to get your excitement really high. And then the vicious cycle starts all over again. And again... and again.

After about a year I started bargaining with the Lord. Saying, if I do this, then you'll give me a baby. Things like reading my scriptures every day, saying my prayers every day, etc etc, things I should be doing without any promises from the Lord. But you start with that, at least I did. Then you try the "I'm not trying" because everyone says when you stop trying is when you'll get pregnant. But that never works because when you want a baby, you never stop trying deep inside, your mind is always on it.

So after that doesn't work, you rotate between the anger, the yearning, the sadness, the denial, the hope, the failure.

After 3 years I looked back and said, well, I'm glad it didn't happen when I wanted it to because that would've been hard to have a baby then, but now is a great time to get pregnant, good things are ahead and we're READY, finally, we're READY. AND... the cycle starts (literally I guess :) ) And a year later from that I thought I finally came to grips with it all. Last night I prayed since I was 2 days late and said, "I hope that I am, but if I'm not, that's okay. I know you have a plan." I thought I really felt that way. Then this morning the disappointment came in all its glory around 9:00 and I just broke down! I thought I would be fine. Guess not.

So I called a good friend of mine who has experienced infertility for ten years before being blessed with her fourth. (3 kids born, then 10 years of infertility, now she's pregnant with her 5th). She reminded me of some things I've learned about other aspects of our life, but never thought to apply to this situation in particular.

Sometimes we are like a two year old. We want something so bad, we think it should be ours, we ask for it and don't get it. We ask nicely, we don't get it. We try to take it, but no luck. We beg for it, promise anything for it, and no luck. So we throw a tantrum, we kick and scream, and cry, and all we're doing is hurting ourselves. As the patient Lord watches us with a pitiful smile and knows what is best for us, he waits for us to calm down and submit, and say with a sigh, "Okay, you know whats best for me, I don't have to have it." Whether its just a matter of timing, or whether it is something that we shouldn't have that we think we should, our knowledge is that of a two year old compared to him. And we just need to submit.

The other thing she said, was that faith is sometimes misunderstood. Faith isn't just believing and hoping and thinking good thoughts about something until it comes to pass. Faith is believing and hoping but most of all, having our will coincide with the Lords. We can think and hope and believe all we want, but if the Lord has a different plan, his will overrides any thoughts we have. So if we want something to work, our will has to be inline with the Lords. And THAT'S when we can be happy and never fail, when what we want is what the Lord wants for us.

So, it could be another year, or maybe five, or maybe ten years before we have another baby. It could be that we only end up with two children. Only the Lord knows. It certainly is not a trial I wish on anyone to experience. Its hard to see friends and family get pregnant with the blink of an eye, or long time friends who've experienced just this finally get their moment. Its hard because I'm so happy for them. I truly and genuinely am happy for them. But its hard because I want to share in that joy, and experience it right along side of them. I wish so bad I could have that in common with them, that womanly bonding of calling on the phone and sharing symptoms and pregnancy pains and woes and stories. But I suppose its not meant to be, at least for now. And that's okay. Because the Lord has a plan, and I know the Lord doesn't find joy in my suffering. He's suffering right along side with me. He wants me to be happy, and somehow, in some way, unbeknownst to me, I'll have greater joy.