January 22nd, 2009. Tomorrow is my 28th birthday. Getting up there, huh. Well, I’ve been struggling since last week over this whole not pregnant thing and I think I figured it out this morning. At least I’ve found some peace and understanding, which I guess you could define as figuring it out, at least the reason I’m not. Okay so here we go. Here’s what I feel like the Lord is saying to me:
“So here’s the deal. If you want a baby THAT bad, so bad that you can’t wait for my timing, then by all means, I’ll give you one, but you won’t be happy about it, you’ll feel guilt and anxiety and you won’t be able to enjoy it like you want. At the end of the year you’re going to need to be out of debt and buying this new house, how do you expect to do that with a brand new baby? You’ll have to work full-time if not overtime in order to make your goals happen, goals that are not unrighteous, but are right for your family, and if you had a baby right then you’d be unable to reach those goals, or at least you’d have to sacrifice other things in order to reach them. If you want to be able to stay at home with this baby, give it a few more months. You’ve made it this far, you can make it a little longer. If you can wait a little longer, and work on that patience you have such a hard time with ;), then you’ll be able to be out of debt, own your home, and be able to stay at home and not have to work as much, you’ll be in a much happier state and situation that will ultimately bring you much peace and happiness.”
So, there you go. There is my answer. I feel much better about it to be honest, it makes sense. One thing that’s been bugging me is that I’ve felt like the Lord has punished me for being in debt with not having a baby. And with this understanding, this isn’t a punishment, he’s actually helping me to be happier and be in a better situation so that when the blessing comes it’ll actually be a great blessing I can enjoy rather than a stress and hard trial to endure. And I know I’d feel a lot of guilt if I had a baby before I could financially stop working, and its not a bad thing that I’m working, its quite a huge blessing, and the Lord isn’t punishing us, he’s giving us a hand out of this huge hole we’ve dug ourselves into. How is that a punishment? We’ve punished ourselves, yes, we’ve made choices that we shouldn’t have made, and been through many trying experiences that have resulted in much debt, but the Lord is helping us out of something that we have created ourselves, we must take responsibility for our choices, and be grateful that the Lord is there to assist us when we need it the most, how is that a punishment? He wants to bless us with this baby, but we must be in a situation where we can truly ENJOY that blessing, because otherwise it’ll become another big trial, and the last thing I want is the thing I’ve been wishing for for FOUR YEARS to become a trial, I want to enjoy every second. SO, there it is. Hooray, and Thank YOU for this understanding.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
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