Yesterday was a great day. Not to say there weren't many tears and much sorrow, but it was a great day. I spoke with a great friend of mine, Shirley Morgan, who shared with me a thought from one of my favorite books, "Remembering Wholeness" by Carol Tuttle. Its a great one. The thing I was struggling with most is what's the point in hoping and desiring and having faith in something if it's the Lord's will for it to NOT happen, it won't, so what's the point of even trying? In Chapter 37, it talks about how before this life we chose the trials necessary that we'd need to go through in order to become the people we need to become to be more like God. And my friend said to me, "Did you ever think that maybe you chose this trial for yourself because you knew you needed it?" It was almost like she pulled the rug out from under me and left me on my butt. I never once thought of it, it was always what God was doing to me, not what I had planned for myself. It gave me ownership in my trials that as sucky as they are sometimes, I knew I'd go through this and for a great reason.
I thought back to my "plan" for my life. It basically consisted of getting married to my dream man, having five kids, always having dinner ready at 6:00, living in a decent house, getting the kids raised, married in the temple, and moving onto retirement. There was no dreams, no success, no personal enrichment, no self discovery. Maybe if my life happened the way I had planned it to happen when I was younger, I wouldn't be able to have true happiness, find my great sense of self, and all the things I can accomplish, and especially I wouldn't have the opportunity as much to help other people in this life because I would have been so focused on just my family. I am feeling an incredible sense of gratitude for this trial and who it has made me become.
Yesterday I came to the decison that it will no longer be a "what if", it is a "when".... and more importantly right now, "until then..." What I mean by that is I've been so worried about "what if I don't get pregnant", "if I don't then I'll be so sad... etc"... but I decided that I need to look at it as "until the time comes that I get pregnant again, I'm going to live every day to its fullest. I'm going to learn everything I can, and when I get pregnant, I will be so grateful that I had the chance to take that time to learn and grow and be a better person and a better mother, ready to raise another child whom I will be so much more grateful for.
So, the lesson of the day, is gratitude. Maybe I'm smarter than I thought :)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I love that! I think that we DO tend to look at the "end game", all too often without realizing what will and will not happen in our lives along the way.
ReplyDeleteI was starting to feel guilty that Isabel is not going to be close in age to her next sibling. Even with this special baby we just lost, they would have STILL been nearly 3 years apart. That wasn't "my plan"!
I don't even remember what prompted me to "switch", but one day I just realized that obviously Heavenly Father doesn't care if my children are close in age! Maybe that hasn't even been a consideration of yours in your next child(ren), but it has weighed on my mind since Isabel was born (knowing how long it took us to get pregnant with HER). Why have I worked MYSELF up for so long???
That small realization has honestly made me so much more calm and at ease with where my life "is" right now. Sure, I thought I would have another baby already... But I really am okay with my family the way it is. My life is incredibly full! Yes, I want more children -- but I am not "without". I really believe that and feel so much peace knowing it.
These struggles we go through are only temporary. Heavenly Father is not disappointed you don't have five children. He won't think any less of you if you have your next in 10 years. He wants us to have enriched, Gospel-driven lives and families one day at a time. Like you said, "Live each day to its fullest".